Long Line of Perfectionists

I come from a long line of perfectionists. My grandmother was a Capricorn just like me and a perfect perfectionist. “Let a woman Do It” “A Place for everything and everything in its place.” “If I want anything done right, I’ll have to do it myself.” She held me firm to a higher standard in every aspect of life. She was the voice in my head, the pebble in my shoe and the flame, which inspired me to shine.

Perfectionists are interesting little critters. We perceive that something is missing and this void drives us to create solutions and systems to fix what’s wrong. Being a perfectionist is a fantasy and this fantasy is the very thing that drives most perfectionists to seek personal development in order to fix themselves and their lives. If not PD, they become software designers, business managers or lawyers. We are traditionally monoscoptic – we see only one side – kinda like a mono brow only much uglier.

The thing with Perfectionists is that our definition of order is what we can control and measure as we subordinate our value system to that of others for approval and love. Not only do WE need to see its perfection, but we need YOU to see it as well. Perfectionists don’t really get that the Law of Cause and Effect is determined by the speed of light. It is impossible to have an electro magnetic field without a positive and a negative. Perfectionists aren’t interested in the negative. We just want the good stuff.

Yet the human mind cannot have a one sided state. Anything that separates the inseparables is an illusion. Try cutting one end of a magnet off and what do you get? Both sides. The mind creates the owned and the disowned parts by the reflective consciousness and illness. So as much as we seek the perfect, the flawed continues to pop up in our little hologram that we have created.

My mother was perfect. A spectacular physical specimen, a beautiful goddess with not one hair out of place, with model control, to me she was a deity of quality with exemplary taste. To balance this mythological label, she was very messy, transformed dependence into an art form, grew needy and spiteful, and lived life through expressions of ugly.

My father was perfect. Intelligent, a corporate giant holding the respect of his professional peers, he was a financial master and authoritarian and a leader. The reality check to balance the god was that he had little education, was out of control, depressed, drunk bullying philanderer.

When I look at the balance of both of them I can see the perfect order and the love that drove them to both sides of the magnetic poles. To these two very flawed and simply wonderful individuals, a beautiful baby girl was born who was talented, intelligent, systematic and expressive with a pure heart that could see the beauty in everything. The side facing the sun showed an odd unfathomable child, clumsy, eccentric, argumentative, stubborn, unfashionable, and challenging and a real pain in the butt.

I chose my mythology. First I became the rescuer and protector for both my mother and my brother. In reality, my ego actually considered them both weak and needy and made a decision to rescue and protect myself so I wouldn’t be dependant on anyone like they were. The warrior princess forged a strong opposition for my father. I deferred to him as an authority figure, albeit one I resented infatuating him to be stronger and more powerful than I was. I made a pact with myself to be better than him so I could control my OWN existence without fighting him.

Remember this mythology is the stuff of fairy tales, legends and great myth. I have made all of this up. The perfectionist, the warrior, the light and shade are according to my perspective – whichever way I am facing the sun at the time. Just like our earth sleeps at different times, it only takes one turn and my day becomes my night.

I could visit each one of my breaths and show the balance of both sides playing happily together. We live in a reflective consciousness. To bring order, we see order. Every perceived void is a question. Every value is a perceived solution. Every event is neutral until evaluation. The lives we live provide the contrast we need to take the measurement.

From the age of twelve, I received a book about Nostradamus and so began my quest for answers to every question I had. To balance my opposition to my father, I willingly submitted myself to an external authority in books.

I detested the Catholic Church and the schools that I was sent to. My parents sent me to church alone from the age of five. I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t see this bearded old man float down from heaven and appear on stage behind the altar. I bribed kids at school to feed me details of the weekly sermon while I read a book around the corner from the church And went home one hour later dutifully quoting verbatim regurgitated details of the service.I was always in trouble from the nuns. I was always the kid that challenged them in Religious Instruction Lessons. Papal infallibility was a ridiculous notion to me and my incessant questioning found me invariably sitting outside the classroom more often than not. Yet to balance this I was the perfect little Catholic angel who played organ in the church every weekend. I sang in the choir and wrote songs for the liturgy.

I questioned the bible's every word yet I accepted the texts we studied in Ancient History. I created my own comparative studies of Religion and Mythology while at school and always accepted without question the mythological version.

I rejected all religion and belief systems yet I read controversial and myth shattering books and accepted them in abject faith.

I researched and critiqued Buddhism, Sufism, Rosicrucians, Freemasons and Wicca. My book shelves groaned under the weight of this obsession to know yet I didn’t’ find one bit of enlightenment.

I became a disciple of the Esoteric Sciences, Astrology, Tarot, Numerology, Kaballah, Crystals, and Chakras etc yet not one answer did I find – only more questions.

I rejected mainstream medicine and invested thousands of dollars in Alternative Medicines: Chinese, Ayurovedic, Naturopathy, Chiropractic, Massage, Kinesiology and Body Worx yet I still experienced disease and illness.

I didn’t know who the hell I was other than how others saw me. I was a just a child when I was first married yet I still felt so terribly alone. As a baby myself I began to have babies yet I still needed parenting and guidance. I couldn’t drown my questions by creating more people to distract myself with so I got divorced yet still stayed friends with my ex-husband. Therefore at a time when most of my friends were just starting work and travelling the world and stretching their wings, I was a mother and an ex wife. In case I missed the point, I then repeated this pattern. I got married AGAIN and still felt alone. I had MORE children and still needed parenting and guidance. I got divorced AGAIN and still stayed connected to my second ex-husband.

By the time my friends were beginning to get married and settle down and I had collected two ex husbands, four gorgeous children and several successful businesses – and a series of illnesses and disappointments. I had this fantasy of being a perfectionist yet to me my life looked more like a soapy Mexican sitcom. To others, my life was exciting, filled with adventure, certainty and greatness. Surrounded by so many people and activity, however, I felt alone, a failure and that I was missing in action with far more questions than answers.

One of my friends introduced me to Demartini and I went along, protecting my guru identity by attempting to maintain the illusion that I knew it all. I didn’t. I became enlightened and bombarded by my darkness at the same time. To challenge myself physically I went to Nepal and climbed the Himalayas yet failed to get to Base Camp suffering both Alititude and Attitude sickness. My mother stopped talking to me for three years yet my family and social relationships bloomed and deepened.

In 2002 I met the ONE – the love of my life. He was my perfect mirror. Our relationship was simultaneously beautiful, healthy, loving, positive yet ugly, damaging, limiting, negative and challenging. We saw the very best and the most horrid in each other. When I deleted him on Xmas Eve last year, I became the ONE instead and continued to experience exactly the same beautiful, healthy, loving, positive yet ugly, damaging, limiting, negative and challenge.

And all of this is perfect. There is nothing wrong with me or any of my experiences. There is nothing to change and nothing to fix. I didn’t fail; I have merely collected feedback for my own refinement process. Which mythology I choose to play with, I am perfect and totally f**ked up. All our identities and pros and cons are important spokes on the same wheel. One cup is half empty and one cup is half full. The Truth is that we are the cup. Each part of us is beneficial or detrimental depending on how we perceive the event. The perfection is acknowledgement of the order to all of this.

I form part of a long line of perfectionists. My daughter is a Capricorn just like me and a perfect perfectionist. She holds me firm to a higher standard in every aspect of life. She is the voice outside of my head, the pebble in my shoe and the flame, which inspires me to shine.