Touching the Void

One of my friends moved into a new apartment recently and decided to throw herself a cocktail party. She was very specific about how it was to look, the type of guest she would love, the food, entertainment, the party area design – all were created with precision. Her expectations were huge – this was very important to her. She invited 100 people and 50 gave her an RSVP. She catered, decorated and created her event the week prior in anticipation. 12 people showed up on the night. She was devastated and became so distraught that she tried to commit suicide.

In talking to her, she felt like she was a social failure and was terrified that at 32 years of age, she would spend the rest of her life alone. Attendance at this event was her criteria for her value in the world. Unless the party looked the way it did in her head, she had failed. It was obvious that the fantasy that she was benchmarking herself against was driven by a need to be loved and accepted. It was a hallmark of external confirmation and highlighted the biggest void in her life.

Now I could tell her that it would be wise to love herself from the inside out and not worry about attendance numbers or social acceptance however at this point that would simply provide further opportunity for depression as it was critical for her to hold onto this pain for a while longer in order to balance the love she thought she was missing with the love she had for herself – so obviously wanting to fill this void with hurt and indignation.

Instead I asked her what the difference was between the party in her fantasy and the actual party. What was the void? What did she miss out on? She listed many things – they all boiled down to one thing – confirmation that she was loved.

I knew that the traditional Demartini approach of asking where she already had those things would be met with a solid brick wall. A clear precise fantasy requires a strong will, motivation and energy and is fiercely protected. That line of questioning would get me nowhere fast. And rightly so!

On the second day of the Breakthrough, Demartini invites us to write our Love Lists and create a vision for what we would LOVE in our lives. We are inspired to set goals.

So what is the difference between a Goal and a Fantasy?

Well in basic terms, the difference is a systematic structured step by step action plan that converts the fantasy into a realistic achievable goal. However everything else in essence is exactly the same.

So when we see the gaps in our life and compare to our Fantasy and begin to beat ourselves up, we are actually developing talents, skills and strategies that we can use in the achievement of our goals. This is a necessary and vital step towards getting what we want. Focusing on what is missing in our lives means that we have the ability to identify the requirements for the action plan that will support the vision and we instinctively see what isn’t quite ready for action yet and is still in development. This is like being a mechanic working on an engine, an engineer upgrading a new building design, a systems analyst beta testing a new software application – nothing works in life without a system and the ability to identify where the systems requires an upgrade is an incredible skill.

Our bodies require water to function. Water is taken into our bodies via sodium or glucose. If one of our physical systems is out of balance, e.g. the stomach cannot digest food, then another system will take over from it to keep the body functioning. Until the system reboots, it will crave sugar or salt in order to intake water. The void of the stomach digesting food creates the opportunity for the pancreas to step in and take over while the stomach is given time to upgrade. This void has a purpose – the outcome is survival –and whatever action is taken to fill the void is a vital survival technique.

Our thoughts and feelings are the feedback required for the system of being humans in order to initiate action. Our thoughts and feelings are like the sodium and glucose required for the body to intake water. Feeling depressed and beating yourself up is a necessary step to take to bring your attention and focus to the void, creating enough pain to contrast the pleasure to inspire action – taking you one step closer to your goal.

Let’s revisit my friend, now in a state of self loathing, depression and embarrassment. What did she gain from this void? She knows that the 12 people who actually DID attend her party are true friends. They bent over backwards giving her support and comfort in order to try and balance her pain – she got extra attention. When she tried to push them away, she saw them try harder to get through and this extra effort was more confirmation that they loved her. She recognized that people will only be loyal to their own values and she understood that the actions of others actually had nothing to do with her – that was an enormous relief.

This was not the first time that she had held a party to which few people attended. This void in the past had inspired her to be more sociable, attend more events, befriend more people and expand her social circle. Even though few people came to her party, in no way did that diminish the social activities she had been enjoying for the past few years – nothing could change that. She had already begun to develop the art of communication, could start up a conversation with any stranger and had a unique repartee that entertained everyone she communicated with. The fact that not many people attended to her party reminded her of her own true values and to honour the values of others without guilt or blame.

A void creates space for – well - creation. My friend was given space - an opportunity of contrast to create whatever she wanted. She could sit around and continue to beat herself up or she could appreciate each of the 12 people who arrived. Once she saw that having voids in her life gave her the opportunity to develop important survival skills, she was able to see that nothing was missing – everything in her fantasy was there all along. It was merely in the shape of something not limited to her specific fantasy.

Forrest Gump reminded us that “Life was a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get.” Be specific and precise and plan your Fantasy to look a certain way knowing that falling short of your own criteria is the greatest opportunity you will ever have!