Depression

Depression is natural.
Elation is natural.
Depression and Elation balance each other.

For me, growing up in a typical family, unbalanced views were espoused and life was broken up into good and bad. We lived in shades of black and white.

I was my own family urban legend and I willingly subscribed to it.
As with most families, I was a mirror and they only saw one side of me.
To my parents, I was such a Nicki.
To this day, I’m not sure what it was that they saw, but growing up, I was sure it was the worst thing in the world. Of course now I understand that they saw themselves.
But as a child, being such a Nicki was a negative.
Being such a Nicki was totally depressing.

I assumed I was always depressed; until I actually experienced real Depression for the very first time several years ago.

Now looking back I realise that I was a cup is half full kinda person and was upbeat, sunny, happy and positive as much as I was a cup is half empty, dark, sad and negative soul.

Great adventures shifted the parameters of my life, and I have periodically swung from Elation to Depression - just like every other human being does.

Thumbing my way through a dictionary, I recognise the press’s I pushed.
I was Depressed, Suppressed, Repressed and Oppressed.

To depress means to push down.
To suppress means to hold back.
To repress means to keep inside.
To oppress means to keep down.
To press means to force down.

There’s much happening DOWN and BACK and INSIDE isn’t there?

The most incredible discovery for me in all of this was that this journey did involve a perpetrator and a victim and a hero. However they were all ME as I attracted mirrors of them in every area of my life.

I pushed myself down, held back, and kept everything inside and down until there was nothing.

Nothing.

And in that nothingness, I was able to see what the hell it was that I was pushing, holding and keeping down.

It was me.

I would never have seen me without the gift of depression.
I would never have seen who I was without that period of intense depression.

Then once I saw me, I was still depressed.

WHY?

Depression is a symptom specifically designed to break fantasy. What was the fantasy that I held onto? OMG where do I start? My life has always been BIG. Grand vision, big plans, large expectations, major life purpose, monstrous mission all accompanied by a healthy helping of ego. I’m better than this. I can do this. I will not let this stop me. I can achieve that. I’m not a loser like everyone else.

Really? mmmm..............

I believed I was different. I was special. I was unique. I was better.

When I deemed I was NOT (while evaluating myself according to the benchmark of others), then I became disappointed with myself and sank into depression.

I had subordinated myself to someone ELSE's values and standards and expectations
and was judging myself based on THEIR values and NOT mine.

This cycle continued to perpetuate.

Aspire, Dream, Attempt, Fail, Fall, Despair and Depress.
time
space
Aspire, Dream, Attempt, Fail, Fall, Despair and Depress.
time
space
Aspire, Dream, Attempt, Fail, Fall, Despair and Depress.
time
space

All of these actions were very real however in my perceptions of them I only saw ONE side.
What was the OTHER side that I was choosing to ignore?

An aspiration takes one on a journey to seek to find.
A dream gives you the chance to seek what you wish for.
An attempt shows great courage and faith.
To fail provides the opportunity for feedback, education, alternatives and more information, which will lead you to success.
Falling can only happen from above. This shows how high you actually were in the first place.
Despair is felt when you recognize the joy that you seek in the first place.
Depress is to push down. You need energy to push. Pushing DOWN can only occur when you recognize that you were UP.

Doesn’t sound like you were in such a bad place after all now does it?

Here is the deal.
All of this serves us.
Everything we do serves us.
Everything that we experience is perfect for us right now.
Everything in our lives is in balance and in order.

I will always be depressed and always be elated until I simply observe these "feelings" and simply say" OK This is how I am right now. Not WHO I am, just how."

Who needs a label anyway? Hey I'm simply playing the human game and checking out as many traits and experiences as I can!