The Ten Magic Bubbles

Have you noticed that popular marketing gives us 7 keys to success, 7 steps to unlimited wealth, 7 gateways, 7 magic principles etc? A magical number of super secret special “only you will receive the information if you send me small bills every second Tuesday” things are promised to you. At every event – Self Help or Personal Development – there is always one heckler. In this article, consider me a self heckler as I evaluate my “ten magic bubbles”. (I've added three because three was the magical number that I turned in between being two and four. Apparently it has been like this such ancient times."

he he :-) - ok sorry i'll behave - seriously, for me, there is nothing more delicious than a story. Book, Movie, Painting, Song, Sculpture and the Art of Humans - History, Mythology and Drama.

We identify ourselves with the stories around us and anchor ourselves OUTSIDE to these shifting sands, opinions, labels, judgements and legends - all based on the perspective of others - all based on limiting factors OUTSIDE ourselves.

Through the ages, this human predisposition has inspired enterprise for managing these EXTERNAL factors under the illusion of "personal" or "individual" control - Religion, Education, Government.

It's like pushing the button at the traffic lights and waiting for the little green man to give us permission to safely cross the street. Pushing the button makes no difference whatsoever as these lights are automatically timed. Yet we ALL push that button a number of times as we aim to "control" the traffic and create the circumstances for us to cross the road "faster".

I wonder if we stopped for a moment and simply sat and observed ourselves, what would we see? What lies BEHIND all my stories? What lies BEHIND all those buttons I have been pushing at the traffic lights?
Perhaps life is merely a case study of self – or a board game to pass the time– or some magical mystery tour with John Lennon shovelling spaghetti or just ten magic bubbles? :-)

I spent some time recently with my 4 yr old nephew, H, at South Bank. He brought me back into innocence. Walking around and people watching, I saw thousands of people from all walks of life just spending time with family and friends outside under the blue sky and spring sunshine just wanting to relax, have fun and recreate. Like seagulls they/we flock to places where we can escape from our daily grind, get some sunshine, contrast our environment and partake in activities that are NOT work - but simply play. Through his eyes it is oh so clear that everything around me is made up - an illusion and none of it real. Like thousands of large floating bubbles, I caught a glimpse of all the current business challenges that occupy my head and I realized just how futile it was to spend so much time and energy desperate to find a solution. What the hell are we so freaked about? These challenges are not even real – merely bubbles! and only ten magic ones at that! :-)

MAGIC BUBBLE NUMBER ONE - MY LIFE

I look at my own life - I have sooo much work to do yet I just didn't want to switch my laptop on over the weekend. I felt like I needed time and space to play so I could re create energy and enthusiasm and find the joy in life. I felt like I needed to make a distinction - do something different! I just want to be home with my family doing things like cooking and cleaning and gardening and making my home feel nice so I can enjoy being here. I want to be creative and artistic and social, enjoy pleasure, sing, feel music through me, dance, let go and just be filled with joy.

Now here's the trick - is there really a distinction? Am I ever really NOT working? Am I ever really NOT playing? Dr Phil - the guru of all gurus - tells us - and I believe him - that we have the life that we want. :-) Once the guffawing and chuckling dies down, I can admit that yes Dr "You need to Get This" Phil is actually correct. We have the life that we want. All these little subconscious stories are working away in complex equations and formulas behind the scenes driving our actions, inactions, responses and patterns towards what we want. Who is the we? Some people theorise that there is a little "we" and a big 'WE". The little is our human identities and the big is our essence - the REAL us. Wouldn't the big US the essence of us be the ultimate driver behind the little us in the first place? Haven’t we (BIG) ultimately designed these mazes and gateways and doorways and trapdoors for our little we to entertain and play? Isn't this all simply a game?

MAGIC BUBBLE NUMBER TWO - THE GAME

Whatever it is - and no one can ever have the ANSWER - we are all just making up our own stories after all - whatever IT is, how does it impact on what we do for work? If this is all a game, can we play whatever business games we choose? Are there BIG and LITTLE rules for this game? Big - like legislation and LITTLE - like to suit what WE want? I don't know - I'm just making this shit up!!! All I know is that I do know how to play the business game. I know the risks involved and understand how legislation is forged to protect the interests of various game players in order to minimise the effect that one player may have on another player's field. (market). I went to see "Young Victoria" the movie - last Friday night. Great line - best of the movie. She and Prince Albert are playing chess in their first meeting. Victoria complains about being moved around like a chess piece by various people. Prince Albert replies that if she is part of a game then she'd better learn how to play it better than anyone else then.

Good advice!

So if we choose to play the business game then we'd better learn how to play that particular game better than anyone else!!!

MAGIC BUBBLE NUMBER THREE - RECREATION

Now I wrote all of this about making the distinction. Obviously it is an illusion that I am making a distinction at all isn't it? I am always doing what I love - I simply express it in various forms. On a weekend I could be formally writing. I could be formally working. However if I choose to value ALL the forms of my life in other ways I may still be writing and working by appearing to be playing. I am my mind, heart, body, family, home, community. My wealth is my value of myself in all its forms. My work is how I add this value to those around me. There is no distinction in that my mind is working constantly while I am at ease. Somehow moving away from the formal aspect of work, I give my mind heart and body time and space in order to re create itself. Isn't our response to life itself a form of art? If we appreciate all the bits of our lives - the frenzy - the freedom - the order - the chaos - all of this forms a magnificent work of art which is our life???

Therefore there is an illusion that I NEED time and space in ORDER to recreate!!!


MAGIC BUBBLE NUMBER FOUR - TIME

The illusion that time is speeding up means that the greatest void - the greatest commodity for most people will be time.
What value is time to people?
What value is time to potential clients?
What do people want in their life?
What are they willing to pay for?
What value do they identify as so great that they WILL take time away from fun and joy and pleasure and their family and home and go and spend a weekend with strangers to do a workshop for whatever reason?
WHY WOULD THEY???
WHAT DO THEY GET???
If you feel as if time is slipping away, what do you do to become timeless?
How do you get MORE time?
How do you hold onto time?
What value is time for you?

MAGIC BUBBLE NUMBER FIVE – INFORMATION OVERLOAD

For me personally I have no intention of doing any more trainings or workshops. In this Age of Information, I feel overwhelmed with the amount of knowledge and information that technology gives me access to. I know I need more qualifications but honestly I crave new forms of time and space to express my life in. In the seven categories of me, Mental, Business and Money are seeking to be balanced by activity in Social, Physical and Relationship.


MAGIC BUBBLE NUMBER SIX - SALES

A band doesn’t tour just for the hell of it. Tours must be leveraging off a product otherwise it is simply not financially viable. A tour is an event. With every event there is a financial plan other than box office sales. Music Festivals leverage off the entertainment in order to sell product - food and alcohol and merchandise. The cost of producing the Festival can rarely be covered by the ticketing alone. Similarly with PD events, there must be a reason - a purpose. It is my belief that most PD events are futile unless you have products to on sell - books, CDs, DVDs, merchandising, training and home study packages.

AN EVENT IS A BIGGER MORE EXPENSIVE WEBSITE
A WEBSITE IS A BIGGER MORE EXPENSIVE FLYER.
A FLYER IS A DEPICTION OF VALUE OF YOUR PRODUCT IN WORDS AND IMAGES.

For me, in my story, in my paradigm, time is my biggest void and my greatest treasure - more than anything else. I would rather buy a book and a home study program first. I can get the social interaction online if I need it. I can get any information I want online or purchase it on line. Why do I need to go to an event? What does it give me? There are hundreds of little workshops everywhere for the cost of a pair of nice shoes. There are a handful of events that cost the same as one months accomodation in New York. Unless you can show me how going to your event can deliver value to me - then why would I go?

MAGIC BUBBLE NUMBER SEVEN - COMPETITION

I have been speaking with various people - naturopaths, kinesiologists, chiropractors, personal trainers, professional corporate trainers, feng shui consultants, astrologers, homeopaths and healers who all have commented that their regular workshops, events and talks are not being attended like they used to be. Numbers are down across the board. Competition for people's time, energy and money is high. Mundane activities like running a household, going to work, looking after family/partner/yourself is occupying most people's time. There isn't much left over after that. Singles and couples younger and older - even without a family to deal with - are struggling with this illusion that time is speeding up and they simply cannot keep up. All our illusions are appearing larger by the minute and this forms competition for our attention and intention doesn’t it?

It’s fascinating to listen to customer feedback. I often hear “There is too much going on.” The next sentence invariably will be “There must be more to life than this.” How funny – there is too much yet there must be more! Says much about our illusions doesn’t it?

How can the marketing of a product or event add value to both these statements within all the competitive illusions that we call reality?

MAGIC BUBBLE NUMBER EIGHT – INVESTMENT VS RISK

That 60 Minutes story about the Turning Point program and three associated deaths is a calling card for opportunity. Like thousands of people worldwide, I have invested tens of thousands of dollars and years into training, research, learning and practice. If I choose to expand on this experience by setting up a business to create my own systems and methodologies to consult for people then the same rules of business apply to me as they do in every other enterprise sphere. If I choose to expand on this experience by setting up a business to create my own systems and methodologies to consult for people then what are the risks if I do not play the current business game and provide risk management? If someone tells you that a piece of paper is worthless, ask yourself the question why they do not value their long term investment enough to qualify it?

What is our relationship with the word qualification? Qualify itself means – to invest with a quality – to attribute a quality to – the Latin qualificare. Qualis – of what sort – Facere – to make. If you look at so called new age therapies, they have created organizations and trainings and jumped through the hoops required to standardize these trainings and invest in the future of these practices by establishing Certificate IV and Diploma courses by becoming RTOS and working with the ATF. If you begin as you mean to end – in any business – and if you value your service and product enough to set up a business and practice then wouldn’t you learn to play the business game better than anyone else and invest in yourself through qualifications?

Working in a framework with qualifications that meet national standards is like growing a new species of tree. First a graft is taken and grown on an existing tree. Once mature and strong enough, the new tree is planted independently. I see qualifications and government legislation compliance as the old tree from which we can take a graft, grow it on the existing model and then after growth and deepened strength can replant in its own right.

MAGIC BUBBLE NUMBER NINE - THE BUSINESS and MARKETING GAME

“Learn to play the game better than anyone else.”

I believe that it is vital to be innovative and at the bell curve of the trends - not the tail end. The Pareto Principle is very effective when playing the business game. 80% income generated from product and 20% income generated from personal service is quite an effective strategy in this game. I’ve played this game for a long time yet each day I look at it with fresh eyes and with every new day I learn a new rule while have fun playing another card. As an Event Manager and Event Publicist lately I’ve been asking many questions, doing market research and pondering about events in general. For the general public, there is huge competition for the event dollar. For the PD customer, it certainly seems that public paid events are a no longer as popular an investment as they were three years ago. Many people have spent so much money on PD programs that they would rather invest in books, DVDs and home study packages.

The Bob Scheinfeld model seems to be the most balanced and more effective. He only runs a handful of events each year. Products featuring basic production are sold for premium value and his focus on firmly on his on line presence delivered in a smart innovative and consistent manner. It would appear that his enterprise activity is designed for his personal enjoyment. Wealth is generated from his various financial strategies. These are great lessons Bob – thanks!

MAGIC BUBBLE NUMBER TEN – Why Play?

What is the purpose of playing this game? What is the value of the gaping chasm between reality and fantasy? A very strong fantasy can be driven for quite a while by various identity structures. The defining moment always comes however when the rules of reality begin to encroach on the fantasy. We all have a dream. However when confronted with the reality of achieving that dream, many times, we proceed no further. Perhaps it isn’t the context or content of the dream that we actually crave? Perhaps it is simply to dream?

When we give budding artists the challenge of completing registration to consider adding them to our rosters, part of the process requires the delivering of business plans and defining of visions for their dream of being in a successful band. This exercise typically sorts the men from the boys so to speak. If they truly are customers and not merely dream rock stars, no amount of compliance and accountability can deter them. However if their attempt to dip their toes in the waters of fantasy are merely smokescreens for another chapter in their “story” the reality of producing an introductory EPK will provide the tipping point and force them to face what they were actually “doing” enough to arrive at their true bottom line when they are required to invest either their time, energy or money.

I have been conducting marketing surveys for the past month with various individuals and businesses regarding events, products, branding and customers. It has been a privilege to witness this gaping chasm between reality and fantasy that has manifested for most of the people I have surveyed. Perhaps the purpose of playing the game is simply to assist us in recognizing HOW and WHO we truly are?

For many business operators, completing the marketing survey, their greatest fears emerged - and for 50% of the participants these fears were all around imperfection. There was a great reluctance to release product until it was absolutely perfect. I always ask the question - "perfect compared with what" What does perfect look like to you?" Ooh this is a question that takes us down a deep rabbit hole that shakes the very foundation of business identity and reveals the dynamics behind our very operations.

The other 50% simply forged out into the market, listened to their customers and sold them what they wanted - simple. Of course this sector have a solid team behind them able and willing to then develop, produce and package the product and deliver as promised.

It's funny - this perfectly describes my own business dynamic. My business partner catches the fish and I clean, gut and filet them ready for the customer in the various systems I develop. If it was up to me to catch the fish I would probably never actually throw my line in the water as I would be waiting for the perfect conditions in which to fish. On the other hand, my partner simply chucks a line in wherever there is water.

Like thousands of large floating bubbles, my glimpse of these illusions occupies time and space in my mind, heart and body. Or I can blow them away, jump on them and bust them and laugh to myself about how I spent a sunny afternoon under a brilliant blue sky filling my head with illusions while my four year old nephew pondered a world filled with dinosaurs, spiders and faeries. :-)

Listen to your Heart

Great 80s song yet amongst the big hair and powder blue power suits were we listening to our hearts?

I learned to control mine - how about you? When emotion drowning out logic threatens to drown plans in total betrayal, many of us typically suppress our hearts and tell it to be quiet. Shut up, don't talk to me, behave, sit still - get this shit under control for god sakes!!! :-)

How many times have you heard someone berate their heart for betraying them?
Can we say for certain - this heart is betraying me?
"Who" is it really betraying?
Which me?
Which story of me?
Which character?
Do we equate our hearts with the magical mystery gateway that lets pain inside?

What happens when we control our hearts for a while and then someone gets access to it and starts to open the door?

whoaaa - It's like being on a diet of carrot sticks and bean sprouts for 12 months and then being handed the key to a chocolate factory where you could eat anything you wanted. The relief of the tension in this instance is overwhelming and freeing yet daunting. Knowing that if you eat one morsel of chocolate, you will get a sugar rush, then the migraine and then the physical symptoms - you take your time savoring the sights and smells carefully assessing the diverse options in front of you in order to make a small selection. OR you can simply open yourself to be swept away to the sights and smells allowing the tension to resolve itself in its own fashion and ravenously pig out at everything in sight!

Many of us put our hearts on a diet, close the door and lock it tight. Then we allow ourselves to ever so slightly open the door. Like a closet overstuffed with clothes that have been packed tightly and stored "just in case", this door springs from its hinges pushing out all the contents with a gigantic force that clears the closet and empties its contents in one big mess all around you.

Old clothes thrown all around you - costumes, uniforms - all that old "stuff" that I used to wear. :-)

Sure the tension was released however now there is 'stuff' everywhere filling you with nausea, terror and confusion. Until your "space" is structured, aligned, neat and tidy, labelled, sorted, arranged and managed, many people simply cannot function.

I am a self confessed control freak - my life's work in fact. So when the cupboard door springs open and explodes all my old "stuff" onto the floor around me what do I do? ha! I pull myself back in line - pull my head in - collect up all the mess, pack it neatly in boxes and store back inside the closet - replace the lock with a sturdier steel, change the key and lock and bolt the door.

God there is a wonderful relief experienced once that door is freshly closed again. I am safe and back in control. No one can hurt me. No one will mess with my stuff again.

For all you new agers or pseudo psycho analysts criticising these actions, how do you know that I have lost anything by closing the door? If I feel more empowered with the illusion of well constructured well ordered well controlled closet what do I lose? What do I gain? Is this a trick question? :-)

Am I still listening to my heart? Have I really closed the door? Am I really in control?

Like child birth - the contractions, dilation and delivery, deep ripping pain is a very effective technique that we, each of us, use just when we choose to move in a new direction. Nerves and muscles shift structural pattern polarities - and the subsequent agonising spasms make headlines and grab guaranteed attention. The contractions, through their tightening and narrowing work in symbiosis with the dilation – opening and expanding, pushing us out of our comfort zones and delivering us into a whole new world.

whichever way we frame the pain, the illusion, the game, the story - it will work for us.

It is impossible to close the door on your heart.
There is no door.
There is no pain.
Can I ask this question - is there a heart?

Tell Me What To Do

I recently met "Mark" at one of my training events. "Mark" lives in Melbourne in a million dollar apartment, very well groomed and good looking, is a highly educated man of 35, wealthy with a well paid job, in a nice long term relationship with a lovely girl, socially well connected, owns an impressive library of books, comes from a lovely family, is healthy and fit and is Personal Development junkie.

He goes to every seminar available.

It starts off with the “free” ones, then he buys the books and then purchases the “special offer” of whatever seminar is being sold in the intro.

"Mark" thinks there is something seriously wrong with him and is on a quest to "fix" himself.

"Mark" is my Exhibit A in MY quest to case study and examine the nature of the human quest for answers.

"Mark" has attended seminars by Roger Hamilton, Christopher Howard, Bob Scheinfeld, Dr John F Demartini, Bob Proctor and most of The Secret stars. He dallied with "The Master Key" and "Landmark" and "Magicians Way". As an accountant and economics major, he has also sourced and attended the never ending offerings of “internet business”, "real estate riches" and “financial mastery” events.

His book shelves groan with thousands of "how to" books most ear marked, well notated and read and re read - usually reading a series of 10 books at a time - generously piled up beside his bed. Mark's knowledge recall is extraordinary and his ability to conduct an interesting discussion is exceptional.

Mark's head is swimming with billions dollar enterprise ideas and he painstakingly takes the time to draw up plans with every one. He is passionate about making a difference to the world, is determined to break away from his day job and create wealth via his own enterprise using the tools he has accumulated through his continuous self mastery studies.

Yet after spending more than $200,000.00 and committing to five years of events, seminars, programs and study, and for all the wealth in his life, Mark is overwhelmed and depressed and convinced there is something dreadfully wrong with him. He has an overwhelming fear that he is so "fucked up" that he is different to everyone else and needs to pay "more" until he finds the right "guru and master" who can "heal, fix, help and breakthrough his blockages" through touch, meditation, energy work, magic formulas, incantations, secret information, hidden messages and any other marketing catch phrase that promises to solve all his problems with their product!

You may be reading this and beginning to feel rather cynical and sarcastic and feel superior when in comparison to Mark - but the truth of the matter is - for me - I can definitely see myself looming large in his mirror. In fact there is not one person that I know who isn't doing exactly the same thing in their own lives. As confronting as it is, I can own the “I want it all now and I want it easy” cell. My form isnt finance or business but it is equally as silly -Health/Physical. I hold a vast catalogue of "practitioners" who I have eagerly "sought" to give me the "magic pill". There must be something wrong with me - no one can find the "cure".

How insane is that? I have believed my own bullshit for years.

Why?

What voids drive Mark to pay crazy money to find answers?
What factors have driven me to pay stupid money to find answers?

What is the appeal of the "quick fix"? Actually let me clarify this. We don't seek an immediate result at the beginning. Its just that after years of searching, trying and spending, we feel exhausted and resentful and just want it fixed NOW. The quest for the "quick fix" began a long time ago.

Why did it begin?
What were we actually searching for?
Where was the gap that we sought to fill?
What was the fault we sought to correct?
What was the need we sought to resolve?

Should we “perceive” this quest to be “difficult” will we naturally seek to balance the nightmare of the hard with this constant craving of the fantasy of the easy?

"Mark" is the target market for thousands of PD "specialists". I am the target market for thousands of Health "specialists". We are both a marketer's wet dream and never more so than we are at the "end" of our quest. We are tired, over it and therefore easy to convince - ONCE you know what we seek. :-)

ONCE you know what we seek.

Examine the target market profile: Well educated, earns great money, is inquisitive, is prepared to invest in self, is motivated to educate and is driven to create an identity through his own enterprise, wants to know, has great “stories” about family and how they are responsible for being so “f*cked up” and has a deep dark secret that something is seriously wrong with self.

The more Mark and I seek our quest, the greater the spiral into depression and self doubt. for "wasting" money and years and energy. To balance the initial infatuation for the "solution", the resentment phase commences after about 18 months of the start of this quest and both Mark and I will beat ourselves up while blaming the "gurus" that have failed us.

Yet if you can sell the "real" solution to use - using our language, currency, values and story - with promises of finding "the answer", finally being “fixed” “healed” or “cured” we will continue to invest big money - guaranteed. In fact, to an expert marketer who is well educated in human behaviour and communication, we are a soft and easy target.

Why?

We seek to identify themselves through and with services/products/programs that deliver the manifestation of our fantasy once the cheque has cleared.
We show enduring faith and zeal that we WILL find an answer.
We have an amazing ability not only to be “fed and sold” the most outrageous bullshit but to justify it to ourselves and our friends as we resolutely cling to the side of the "hope" boat.

The question burning on my forehead before I smooth it is what drives this quest?
Why do we take up this heroes journey?

I bob up and down in the ocean of endless questions and TELL ME WHAT TO DO wishes.

Shall I swim or float and do I want fries with that :-)?

Harden the F**k Up Bridget!!!

Bridget Jones - great movie - best line ever - Hurry the F**k Up Bridget!!!
I have bastardised it a little by adapting it to suit my own personal kick up the pants whenever required. :-)


Norma Cousins said - “The greatest force in the human body is the natural drive of the body to heal itself – but that force is not independent of the belief system, which can translate
expectations into physiological change. Nothing is more wondrous about the fifteen
billion neurons in the human brain than the ability to convert thoughts, hopes, ideas
and attitudes into chemical substances. Everything begins, therefore, with belief.
What we believe is the most powerful option of all.”

Well I've been sick, forced into quarantine, living at home in bed with my laptop on my knee for 10 days now and I feel no better. I've had accupuncture, chiropractic, massage, steaming antibiotics, tests, lotions, vitamins, potions, supplements - I've even had kinesiology - I still feel sick. I cannot breathe, am dizzy, nauseous with no energy at all and simply exhausted on every physical level.

So what is going on with me?

In observation, this is HOW I am right now - how am I? My body is expressing symptoms by finding a way to release obviously long suppressed mucous and phlegm - endless amounts. I know this sounds gross but these fluids designed to protect my body I believe are a key factor in my health - or lack thereof. My chest and head were so tight it felt as if they would explode just prior to succumbing to this flu. It took 7 days of fevers before my nose actually began to release.

I havent listened to a morning Activation in over a week. Breathing through my nose is impossible and the constant coughing and spluttering makes it challenging to sit calmly and observe. However with all this sleeping and sitting and just doing nothing but pondering, I'm doing plenty of observation anyway.

My body "feels" heavy and sticky and thick - like it is dragging behind it years of no longer needed armour. As the body is designed to win, perhaps it is seeking to eradicate itself of the excess protection that has been accumulated and piled high for god knows how long. Impacting on my external life, my body has somehow cajoled me into stopping, working in spurts, while reconnecting with my "family home". In these past couple of weeks I have cancelled every single treasured social occasion, birthday party, missed shows, concerts, gatherings and premieres. I have only seen practitioners, Sam, Niko and Manny for the past couple of weeks.

Yet I do not feel alone. In fact I feel comfortable and well loved and secure - maybe its the driving drip of my nose that provides this unyielding certainty. I really don't understand the "what" and "why" of my feelings at the moment.

How was I feeling prior to getting sick?

I spent five crazed months ignoring "my" life in order to produce that Festival and I worked stupid hours. In the few weeks leading up to this flu, I have been unusually emotional, crying for no reason and feeling disconnected with everything around me to the point where I felt so unattached. Now is that because of the Activation work or what?

This is confronting to admit however, I was consciously planning ways to die quietly. This sounds terrible and I am quite ashamed of this admission. However in context, it was neither a dramatic or sad place - merely one of boredom, without purpose, filled with unfamiliar emptiness and without anchor -without connection. I naturally translated this into a monster negative and a sign of failure - I TOLD YOU SO - unworthiness - justification of being "relationship - less" and allowed myself to sink into the bottomless pit of familiar despair.

Once I began to roll around in this space of disconnection, - OMG - ooh I actually remember the moment - I was driving home from work with the boys. They were fighting and I drifted into the sticky pink day old doughnut that self pity invariably is. Once I "thought" and "felt", I began to get a high temperature and commenced my descent into the flu from that very night.

Where was the voyeur when I needed her to remind me of where I left my anchor?

Where was the observor when I needed her to jolt my memory of the many times I have visited this place previously?

Maybe my body has some wisdom to share with me in a way that I couldn't translate into some sort of Nickified system?

So - now - I choose to simply observe my body and all its little symptoms. I know I'm the author of this particular story - who knows "why" I needed to write it in the first place?

I will listen and watch and see what happens from here while I Harden the F**k Up!!!

Conversations with Millie

Its 6.30pm and the world is quietly unwinding its day as I sit on this hill overlooking a green picture book country side. The only sounds are the kookaburras chuckling at my childlike wonder as I sit deep in memory. One cow moos and I’m a child back on my grandparent’s farm.

I can almost see Millie, my grandma, sitting on the steps of the dilapidated old farm house perched on the hill opposite me. She dusts off her apron, bends to the side to pull a couple of weeds from her geranium patch under the steps and wipes the sweat off her brow as she plans her next job for the day. Its not just the mundane household chores of cooking, cleaning, washing, gardening and sewing – she rises at 3am to help her husband do the milking and is planning another of her many projects – always for the benefit of others – household, family, church, school or community. Her sister is visiting and she’ll clean up after dinner quickly so she can play games with Aggie – roaring with laughter while scheming to annihilate each other in scrabble and Chinese checkers strategy.

I think of Millie often throughout my life but this evening, seated outside surrounded by bush, valleys, hills and landscapes dotted with farms, dams, paddocks and sheds, she is with me as if the memory overlaps into my present.

“I’m here kiddo. You’re ok. You worry too much – always have. This country is in your blood – it breathes into you and reminds you of the many arms that hold you. I played a similar character to you – the “unloved” – the “never good enough”. Your father is a carbon copy of mine. For a short epoch in time I too convinced myself that I gave up my dreams to look after everyone else. How good does it feel to be needed by husbands and babies? What better way to feel loved, wanted and needed? You and I knew what we were doing as the “mother and wife” characters didn’t we?”

“You have my creative streak. I expressed it in my sewing, craftwork, cooking, and gardening and in my relationships with my children and grandchildren. You create systems and stories in your business that take me as the observor on a journey into an unknown world – its magical and almost identical to the many quilts I may have sewn over the years. You and I are both so grounded in our babies. Oh how I loved my children – oh how I adored my sons! Keith was to me as N is to you. Losing him so young severed that attachment and it took me 30 years to recover. 30 years! I held on so tight. Learn from my lesson kiddo and let go. N is made of tougher stuff than Keith. He’s not going anyway for a very long time.”

“I met you at two weeks of age – do you remember that? You looked at me with such a decided analytical stare. I knew immediately that you held parts of my heart. You were such a serious baby – I think you even had your first determined frown in those first weeks. Always watching, always considering – I think your mother found you overwhelming as she truly had no place to hide from you. Don’t worry about your own babies - you’ve done a great job, kiddo. I watch over you constantly. You are a different mother to my daughter. She was consumed by her own fragile stories. That’s why you were born first – she couldn’t possibly have survived in those early years if she had to worry about you as well.”

“I found it impossible to deal with Phyllis. As a baby, she wasn’t like you at all. No she demanded total attention from me. With two other children and a busy farm to look after, her first year as a screaming baby drove me to breaking point. But what she gave me in beauty and brains I will always be grateful for - gorgeous girl that she is! I see that S is so much like her. However don’t be fooled, he is your perfect mirror and is destined to be your greatest ally as well as your loudest detractor. Nothing personal - he’s only expressing what you think you hide so well. I chuckle when I watch your dedication to bullshit. You fool no one, you know that right?”

“There is no one person to hold in your heart. Realise that your destiny is in your own hands and with or without any man you lose or gain nothing. There is no “need” for you two to be together with any specific person. This illusion that you live in - is simply that. A great tale designed to break you out of old habits. If you feel alone - see where you actually WANT that. If you feel betrayed, see where you actually betray others. Someone how is unfaithful and dishonest in their relationship with you is merely showing you how you treat yourself. Remember you wouldn't so it if there wasn't some advantage in the doing. My mother would always say to me "Millie - what is this telling you?" I dismissed her in my youth and my life proved her to be 100% correct. Forget about your analysis. Forget about the problems of another. Forget your judgement. Whoever is in your life is one hell of a mirror for you, so take a good long look.”

“You are surrounded by brothers - your own, cousins and friends. This is important to you - I know - I loved my own brothers. In this fashion, T is destined to guide N in a way that no one else can. They have an ancient connection like no other. Your beautiful precious girl – oh your daughter is so much like you were. She is loved well by you - surprise surprise - just as you were. Like N, she feels unconditionally loved and operates from that deep well of security and certainty that was so unfamiliar for you.”

“Your own body – your battle with your it’s determination to keep you protected at all costs – is a battle with yourself. As a natural born story teller, this tale is held together by the oldest of all beliefs that you were born into a situation that immediately required protection. This tale began in the womb for you – you always “felt” that you were in danger. However you know that this is simply one story in a catalogue of many don’t you? You were born into a family who loved you – into an environment where you were perfectly safe. See it? Your body is like mine, actually like all humans, set into a holding pattern and imprinted with the same mechanical systematic response program.”

“Now at this moment in your life you are very close to making a huge leap in consciousness. I am here with you. Can you feel me? I am always here, pulling weeds from the back steps, planning the evening meal and scheming how to beat that sister of mine in backgammon once and for all. :-) I’m a willing voyeur of your life and marvelling at how it unrolls before me like an old sepia slideshow at the Pomona nickelodeon Aggie and I used to watch every second Saturday matinee. Yes, your story is familiar and fills the pages of classics in every culture, class and period.”

“Do you know that I am in your life in the face of another? The sweetness of sound that drips like honey in their voice, the lullaby of the melodies in the music and the sway of the rhythm in the words. As a young child you always got bored and fidgety when dancing. So I need you to know that this dance could very well go on for years. Hey look at it this way - its great exercise, try not to step on his toes too much and enjoy the gentle movement of the beat while you are in his arms. Open your heart and keep it open kiddo. The pain you continue to feel in your body around your heart is when you close it. You lose nothing when it is open. Just dance for now ok?”

“Health and beauty comes from within you, kiddo. Your body will not glow from anyone else’s light - just your own. Your face has always been exquisitely beautiful. As a baby, it was perfectly round framed with dark curls and bejewelled with brilliant blue green eyes. It matches the exquisite shape of your heart. Your well protected body will adjust slowly – all you need to do is love it while it is rebalancing.”

“Can you feel the trees here? Can you hear the birds and the crickets? They are singing to you. This symphony kept me alive in times of exhaustion, stress and grief and heartache. The sound of the bush is the sound of the stars is the sound of my mother’s heartbeat in the womb. Feel this space – the peace – the green – remember and breathe it in slowly and deeply. Do you remember having a bath in the late afternoons, changing into freshly starched hand sewn pyjamas, having early dinner and then sitting on the steps listening to the bush? You were never afraid and always eager to explore and discover the life that danced amongst the trees at twilight.”

“Drape yourself in your childhood memories of bush, farm, playing, freedom, silence, safety and love. Your parents loved you well for they recognised that you needed to be in the bush. Taking you to wherever I was and to Cooran was their gift to you. You were a gift to me. I KNEW you and loved you well. Did you feel me? Have no regrets, kiddo. Cherish every moment – even the shitty ones. The smells of the bush ignite a fire in your heart and this fire is me – my love – my energy – my life force transformed. This is me keeping you safe and warm. It is safe – you can let go of that extra protection now.”

“I love your children. T has such a true heart willing to invest himself in life like a warrior happy to launch into battle. N is strong, solid, and dependable. He feels so well loved by you that he has no worries in his life. S’s passionate and capable of great love and great pain. He lives his life on an edge – challenging himself and others to test his own true worth. He is deeply connected to you – right from his first moment in your womb. Your relationship with him will complete many cycles. He is the family pinnacle – he is the catalyst and holds tight to benchmarks and standards – kind of like you in your business. :-) S will fight to hold onto family and will seek to protect his siblings for the rest of all their lives. A is both angel and devil simultaneously protecting and exhausting all her own reserves. The second mother, the loving big sister, the beautiful loyal friend, the faithful wife - such a Capricorn - who faces years of illness until she sees both the shadow and sunshine within as glorious equals. Fear not, her brothers will always be there for her – especially T who expresses his masculinity in his love for his sister.”

“A big part of you have become a cynic and your jaded view of soul mates and love diminishes your view of that glorious landscape. Look closer. You have been shown the colours and textures of your own heart and been loved deeply. Open your hands, kiss the dove that you hold and give it permission to fly free - fly into the divine blue sky that tomorrow holds.”

“One evening, as the sun sets low, you will look out over the hills and see YOUR granddaughter as I see YOU now. Sitting on the steps of a dilapidated old farm house perched on a hill overlooking a tree filled valley, she will dust off her apron, bend to the side to pull a couple of weeds from her geranium patch under the steps and wipe the sweat off her brow as she plans her next job for the day. You will marvel at her dedication to the mundane household chores of cooking, cleaning, washing, gardening and sewing – rising at 3am to help her husband in his business while planning another of her many projects – always for the benefit of others – household, family, church, school or community. Her sister, noisily clanging in the kitchen, twitters to herself while cleaning up quickly so she can finally win at Scrabble.”

As the setting sun fades the green of this valley, the damp emerald of the vines that climb over the cow bales tease my nose with smells that erase so many decades at once taking me back to just outside the kitchen where I can almost hear Millie and Aggie rolling around in loud guffaws as they bellow about their made up seven letter triple score words.

Venus has appeared above my head, giving me a sign that love is all around me, as I sit on this hill overlooking a green picture book country side, safe in the arms of my memories - my very own made up triple score story.

What a Ride!

I started the week with a dark cloud hanging over me.
Activations, discussions and research nailed to a self condemned cross of questions - I felt as if I was obliged to "kill" off every character. (boo hoo hoo)

"Who am I?"
"What am I doing then if I do not have a story to identify with?"
"How can I work without an identity to brand myself and my service with?"

Indignant, I screamed at myself "I have a life to live you know. I can't be playing games like this. I have to get real." ....he he ......yeah right......

Revolving in a downward spiral of questions and doubt, I was observing a litany of "stories" that I "needed" to detach from. Beliefs shattered, I seriously considered cancelling all my projects and client consults as I felt that I had no "place" to work from. Worse still, I felt I had no VALUE to offer anyone, therefore how could I possibly charge for MY service?

This is "how I was" on Monday and Tuesday.

Then an odd thing happened. From Wednesday to Friday I had 15 client consults over a three day period - out of the blue! I had my four weekly clients booked yet all day Tuesday as my doubt grew so did my client bookings.

I was already heavily committed with my company work and family obligations therefore with no time to plan or prepare as I would normally do, I leapt from one "quest" to another - back to back, hour to hour. The clients and project began to look take on a familiar shape as I heard the identical tale with every new face. My heart skipped a beat when I recognised all these little parts of myself clambouring to be integrated.

Every question I had earlier in the week resounded in the voice of each client.
Every doubt I had earlier in the week emerged in the face of each client.
With every meeting, consult and session, I faced my own quest for “the answer”.

Unavoidable and inescapable, it was impossible NOT to see how I demand the answer handed to me on a platter. How could I ignore how I craft willing conspirators to take the credit and I then walk them over the plank of blame? Hosting a never ending magical desire for some external entity like Nature or God or the Universe, I never cease to search for some "thing" to take responsibility and ownership and ultimately take "care" of me. I seek a "magical" pill to swallow that will dissolve all my questions. I am addicted to finding "the answer" - outside of myself - out "there" - it's an answer that some "unknown" entity holds the key to - if only I had more (start the list - $, health, fitness, beauty, intelligence, power, influence, love, time, energy - ad nauseum)

Impressed with the strength of my human need for story, I then came face to face with my "princess warrior" - the fierce battle worn protector of the vast catalogue of legends that hold pride of place in the library of me.

One word.

Resistance.

The resistance with my clients was exceptional - powerful - masterful and finely tuned. The strength and power BEHIND argument was SO strong - the requirement to hold onto identity SO great - if only we could harness this power for GOOD instead of EVIL - he he :-)
This resistance mirrored my OWN that I fiercely expunged at the onset of my week.
There it was. There I was. Inescapable. Ugh.

Yet I was easily able to step aside and allow the resistance to flow past me while anchored firmly to the earth within myself. I had been feeling totally lost yet "felt" grounded and familiar in my own certainty. My need to replace one story for another - one lolly for another – one drug for another - without certainty in the SYSTEM of life – the GREAT story – the UNIVERSAL TRUTH - was mirrored in every single client. Every word spoken to them was exactly what I "needed" to say and hear myself.

Being given a gift of so many consults, I witnessed my story hour upon the hour. How did those people know to find me and share this wisdom with me?

This is some incredible system huh? Anchored in the "essence" of me, I saw how my identification of value with certain "stories" was now transformed into an upgraded value of TIME and all its subsequent meanings "stories" for me due to this a new paradigm of swift, frantic, overloaded work schedule. Freshly minted with a deep sense of certainty, I simply had NO time to listen to "stories" so as a result, NO clients were able to share story telling. And neither could I.

This game that I play is imbued with an intricate system of communication pathways networked together connected to some sort of grand design - universal system - where language and thoughts and feelings all provide necessary and complex functions.

My appreciation and observations for this Voyeur game and all the bit players that my "system" employs is overwhelming in this moment.

What a ride!

The Function of a Story

In order for me to make a choice – make decisions in my professional life, there WILL be a story or belief involved – for me anyway – the purpose of a story or belief is like the functionality of sight. Eyesight - vision begins when light rays are reflected off an object and enter the eyes through the cornea, the transparent outer covering of the eye.

My Vision for any aspect of my life begins when “light” is reflected off a mirror (person or thing) and enters my consciousness through a series of filters – cornea, pupil, iris, lens, and retina – which are the various “stories or beliefs” that I have collected. These filters –bend or refract the light that pass through them – each one with a purpose – either opening and closing to regulate light passing through or altering shape to enable a greater rounded focus encompassing front AND back.

These filters contain millions of thoughts, feelings and sensations whose function it is to identify colour and fine details, detect motion, provide peripheral or side vision and assist me to analyze and evaluate in “darkness”. These thoughts, feelings and sensations convert the “light” of my vision into electrical impulses – the same as the cells in the eye’s retina. As the optic nerve sends these impulses to the brain where an image is produced so too I envisage that my conscious choices can send these electrical impulses to my brain to produce an image of what I would love to create.

Of course, I know that the words “conscious” and “choice” sitting together like that is quite a paradox. I clearly see how beliefs make the choices “sub or un – consciously”. I do see that – It's just so challenging to live my daily life with all its obligations while aware of all the tiny little tales playing out within and without me.

What is REAL?

When Pinnochio shares his wish to finally become a "real" boy, how many of us share his sentiment?

I want to be real.

I want ........and then we list all these conditions associated with being "real".

Where do these conditions originate and how do we learn to classify them as "real" as compared to the "story" we live in right now?

I'm sitting at a Breakthrough Experience, listening to Dr John F Demartini speak and I have enormous goose bumps. I can "feel" someone important to me, "sitting beside me" in the room at the very moment.

Now either I had some lovely little mushrooms for breakfast that day or I was creating a diversion and distraction or I am going stark raving mad or the part of me that he mirrors was alive at that moment. (I'm choosing box number four) :-)

I could feel him as part of my body - forming my spine, sharing my breath and as if his hands were holding my heart in place in my body. It felt beautiful - in fact I felt beautiful the entire weekend as a result.

I was listening to John speak and asking myself "Why does he inspire Infatuation and evoke Resentment?" Doh - you mean why do I (and everyone else) inspire Infatuation and evoke Resentment? John is such a wonderful mirror - live and loud - in your face, impossible to ignore and driven by such a powerful character. For the first time, I heard him describe the science of telling stories. Wow - thats the first time I have heard that - yet I'm sure he's used that language before. It is only now that I hear those particular words.

My questions though - is a story merely an awareness or is it Will? What is Will anyway? Apart from the teacher character in the TV series GLEE, is there a "real" Will or are we driven by so many layers of stories that we convince ourselves that we are building a new house yet in "reality" - whatever that is - we are merely moving the same furniture around in the same room?

Will is only what we brain f*ck ourselves into believing????? Ooh nows there a question.

Finite reality is a story that we identify with in attention, retention, decision, imagination, state of presence and intention.

Many PDs speak of "the Gratitude Effect". However is it possible that at times gratitude for a story forms an attachment of sorts? Can gratitude be an observation of a story without judgement?

Ooh entering into a mine field here.......

OK so what is the story that my body tells everytime I facilitate a BTE? What is the plot, character, script and who is directing it? Blood = Life = Feminine = Flow = Surrender = Energy = Essence. The particles that make me up store information that is skewed to one side or another and it is this perhaps that impedes the flow in my life hence the physical "expressions" when I facilitate?

No answer - simply observations at this point.

So part of the human story is to see evolution progression which forms part of the universal story?

Ah now I am getting somewhere. The someone that I feel with me throughout the entire Breakthrough Experience weekend event truly charges me - positive and negative. Yet his feedback (so to speak) has assisted me to identify where I hold the fantasy and where the corresponding fantasy fear has been a valuable tactical weapon that I use to keep myself in a story that serves me. Do I do the same for him? I have no idea. As intelligent as I believe I am, I can see such a density regarding my perceptions of others in my life.

For example - I was besotted and infatuated with a man who I declared to be the absolute perfect man for me. He sat on a pedestal of my making for the past two years. We had one of our great conversations 3 weeks ago and I remember going for my evening run afterwards and thinking that he was the most wonderful gorgeous man with I had ever met. Within one week of me making this declaration to myself, he did a complete 180 and equally showed me his most hideous flawed self. It was perfect timing as it enabled me to dissolve my infatuation with him in time to renegotiate our companies agreements.

But I recognise that I was dense when it came to my perception about him the entire time. Therefore I do not trust myself in my ascertations regarding the opinions of others. Geez.......I miss so much sometimes.

Ah ha - oh boy - this is a great observation. One story of mine is a tendency to cleave to a fantasy (or nightmare) I have about someone or something meaning I miss out on seeing the whole picture and do not necessarily process vital information in my transactions with them. Being open and attracted to something makes us prey and being challenged by something provides the opportunity for us to take measures for self protection to enable us to be predators. This is a mirror of the Universal Story - animals give us the greatest data in this regard.

This all boils down once again to holding certainty and holding self value regardless of the outcome or the environment or the circumstances - regarding the story.

Therefore what is "real"is what I identiy as holding value for me.

When everything is ON THE LINE

There was some little story chasing me in regards to the Festival we just produced. Regardless of all my collapsing and observations, I can still smell the faint scent of "everything is on the line". Like a bottle of perfume you only use for special occasions, this story isn't running all the time - only for very special occasions when we have something to prove, something to show off, a milestone to achieve.
As much as I did detach myself from several old button pushers (yeah for me) the scientist within collected data and statistics that indicate more subtle and sneakier stories filtering in and driving actions.

The old saying, "on the line" indicates a high level of risk. So I ask this question, why would an older story coming out to play pose a risk or threat? It's as if yesterday and last night were a final episode on a soapie complete with cliffhanger and "to be continued". Even in dreaming there was a great sense of an ending. (I dreamed that one employee died in the office immediately after the closure of the Festival at midnight - it was unsettlingly real)

As I review the experience of the past five month campaign, it feels more personal than professional. The wealth and the debt are equally balanced. The stories I have collected fill an encyclopedia. The questions I have asked have taken me to a place where I DO feel like "everything is on the line".

What is everything?
Where does the line sit?
Who drew the line?
What does it matter if everything is on it or beside it?

It feels as if I gathered critical evidence for a looming court battle. Do I make decisions about my life based on my observations of the stories around me? What story drives my feeling of impending doom? What is it that I abhor so greatly and fear so deeply? I feel closer while sinking deeper into a quagmire of question.
I have noticed that fear takes my breath away. Identifying this feeling of "everything on the line", I can watch my breath get stuck in between my torso and my shoulders. This place is so familiar - ugh - AH HA moment - of course - I have been here before.

This story belongs to a three year old. Stubborn angry indignant three year old girl who views both her parents as complete imbeciles. She cannot wait to grow up and leave home so she can do what they SHOULD have done in this first place - be the parent and adult she expected - not what she got. Yet she feels trapped by her seemingly unnatural attachment to them. How could she love them in the circumstances? How could she allow them into her heart when they clearly do not deserve it. Who are these people and how did she end up with them? What universal error is responsible for this crime against nature?

I have a lump in my throat while typing this. My chest is tight, tears welling in my eyes, I feel as if I want to scream but there is no breath available. Ok, where does this story come from? By judging her parents in this manner, this three year old girl is expressing a dynamic which must be mirroring how THEY feel about THEMSELVES.

Wow - how many famillies perpatuate this sort of lineage generation after generation? Why do I judge this as bad? Where is the criteria sheet that I am following?

Thought - is all the anger in the world merely a symptom of an old storyline being threatened?

Perhaps there are a number of old characters that are feeling a little threatened at the moment hence the overwhelming "everything is on the line" colour?

Perhaps I have been a closet cryptographer for my entire life, reading between the lines, seeking to break codes and decipher meaning in all the stories I have collected without realising that I wrote the secret parameter in the first place!!!

Perhaps the most fun thing to do when colouring your life is to colour OUTSIDE the LINES? :-)

Thank God for the ATO

On the big screen adaptation of life as business we can see the series and episode catalogues and marvel at the storyline so far. The labyrinthine spiritual journey to the centre of self, the Architecture of accountability structure, the mythic struggle for Global advocacy viewed through the latest cause, the large loyal loving loud family, the political party ambitious and hungry for power and influence, the epicentre of thriving commerce, the hip funky rebellious lifestyle choice, the alchemy of financial manifestation, the library of the Guru, the Heroes Journey Call to Adventure and the never ending quest for cultural revolution. For the past almost 20 years, 80 people with “history” have walked through the halls of my company and during their time with us have identified one part of themselves through these narrative dynamics. Seeking to voice a character while reliving plots either from memory or fantasy, every single person has left an imprint.

These storylines listed above, have been both “motivation” and “inspiration” for myself and my business partner to create, forge, build and maintain this enterprise. We each have our own histories and experiences and made a commitment to achieve a certain end result therefore crafting an initial purpose for the business to exist that lay beyond our own personal stories. Obviously we both had agendas that we sought to pursue and as an observer looking back elements of our personal journeys have been manifest through this business. However at the end of the day, the financial reality and legal obligations involved in compliance and accountability – the foundation for every business – served a key external force driving the company towards its Purpose. In many ways the Tax Department is like the Universe, systematic, structured and seeking balance like the laws of Nature. For many enterprises, until they can see their “own” Universal story, the Tax Department provides an external foundation for a Company Purpose.

This can works in the short term, then after a while questions are asked “Why am I working for the Tax Department? Why am I working for my employees? What am I really doing here? What is it that I want to achieve in this business that is deeper than simply abiding by external rules?”

Typically, questions of this nature can terminate a business or simply forge a deeper foundation purpose. Both actions serve. A personal storyline will include variables that seek to create a structure designed specifically to support each quest – motivated AND inspired – modus – action - external AND inspirare – to breath - internal. The investment of everything we value will always return dividends. It is up to us to value and identify the form.

While finalising details with the team on a particular project yesterday, I observed the emergence of a character I haven’t witnessed for a while – that of the poor struggling artist. Three of my employees were complaining about how tough it is for performers, entertainers, artists and musicians and that we responsible for the advocacy of a just and fair system to enable them to express their art and be handsomely rewarded for it financially and I suddenly saw how their jobs served this perspective and where the gap between the benchmarks and their actual performance was directly connected to this belief and agenda.

Light Bulb moment!

Over the years, I’ve encountered this character in the faces of a variety of actors written into several episodes in numerous guest appearances of this series I call the "story of my business". Focused and centred on their few lines with zeal and passion, their every encounter is charged with a dragon-seeking quest. Motivated to identify an external force responsible for their struggle, they never seem to reach a pinnacle of personal achievement balanced by an internal inspiration. Their greatest value is attributed outside of themselves limiting their ability to convert that incredible focus and zeal to real time self value manifested in financial reward.

As long as sympathy is accorded to the “poor struggling artist” the Music Industry will itself struggle to achieve real time financial wealth. This could very well be said about every Industry – not just Creative Artistic like Art, Dance, Literature but every business every industry every craftsman. What we craft – what we create is a value driven by what we identify with.

Looking at the above storylines, I can clearly see myself on the "never ending quest for cultural revolution" and can easily identify with my three employees seeking justice for the "poor struggling artists of the world." I've taken up arms to fight the good fight on a number of issues.

All I can say is thank god for the ATO for in many ways, they have kept my business on purpose.

If I were a Fish

If I were a fish and swam in a creek would my entire universe look two dimensional? I could swim forward and backwards – one side and then the other. Would I conceive of an UP – beyond the surface of the water?

So if I were a fish and I mentioned to the other fish that I believed there was another dimension ABOVE the surface of the water, would I be regarded as insane?

What if you were walking by the creek one day and reached in and pulled me out of the water? I would then see fish that had no fins, fish with hair, fish with stretchy pink stuff instead of scales on their bodies and fish that made strange noises. A whole new race of fish would be discovered and the fish community would regard me as a famous explorer scientist responsible for a major discovery (which I named and I described from my fish perspective)

Without you pulling me out of the creek, how could I ever see what was ABOVE the surface?

So return me to the creek, you didn’t walk by and I stayed in the water.

How about if it rains one day? I see odd shaped shadows swelling and falling up above me. I do not see the rain but I feel the vibrations in the water as the rain drops surge into the water creating odd shapes and new sensations in the water. From these sensory perceptions I make up stories and create language and terminology to describe the “facts” that I have discovered about my world – this tiny little creek. From my observations, I can create a way to measure what I observe, question my current beliefs and establish a foundation of science based on sensory perceptions of illusions that are measured by benchmarks based on current beliefs.

Bottom line here – everything I see will be about me being a fish.

So – out of the creek, grow a few limbs, lose the scales and start breathing through a central smaller gill.

But am I still a fish?

What am I unaware of as I swim in my tiny little creek day in day out?

What legends do I create when I “feel” vibrations and “see” shadows that I have no point of reference for?

Why am I doing this job?

How many times do we ask ourselves this question - why am I doing this job?
I ask myself constantly - these are some of my questions.

What is the purpose for me to work in this current business?
Why am I here?
If your job is your own business - why did I set this up so many years ago?
What did I "get" out of it back then?
What do I "get" out of it now?
Why am I experiencing such despair internally while externally enjoying incredible "perceived" and "financial" success? (or whatever question you may have)
Why do I cling to a fantasy that "someday I will publish my books and leave this god awful industry and do what I love"?
Why do I think this business (which has grown four kids and paid handsomely for my lifestyle) is "god awful"?
What do I identify with in "writing" that somehow gives me comfort and the illusion that I am doing what I "love" that I do not in my current enterprise?
My body is expressing great pain - pains in my chest, migraines, vomiting, nausea - the questions surface with the symptoms - do I have cancer? am I dying?
Why, when I have such an enormous opportunity before me, am I paralysed in physical pain?
Why, when all my hard work is beginning to pay off, am I paralysed in mental anguish?
I cry, I scream in anger and fear - out of control and disintegrated - why am I expressing such a dynamic when I have no time to stop? Why, in the face of such greatness, such opportunity, such capitulation, such a pay off, am I falling apart like this?

Do I seek to create some sort of association of likeminded individuals designed to provide me with informal live beta testing, case studying and a forum for me to share this journey? Is the purpose to play the Community Game? If so, then my financial support will not come from writing. I therefore make a decision about my investment of time and energy versus return benefits and base energy and time commitment on this.

Do I seek to create a platform for me to expand my consciousness, and be a part of the Universal Story? Is the purpose to play the Spiritual Game? If so, then my financial support will not come from writing. I therefore make a decision about my investment of time and energy versus return benefits and base energy and time commitment on this.

Do I seek an expression dynamic for my Intelligence and Knowledge talents? Is the purpose to play the Intellectual Game? If so, then my financial support will not come from writing. I therefore make a decision about my investment of time and energy versus return benefits and base energy and time commitment on this.

Do I seek an avenue of connection through readers, students, fellow teachers all mirrors of myself? Do I seek a place to empty my heart and soul to fill the void of walking through this life empty handed and alone? Is the purpose is to play the Relationship Game? If so, then my financial support will not come from writing. I therefore make a decision about my investment of time and energy versus return benefits and base energy and time commitment on this - not to mention to considerable risks involved that relationships with others bring when unspecified. (ah ha - there's an interesting observation about my self- I'll sit with THIS one for a bit)

I love money. I love business. I love building wealth in both areas. Have I succeeded in doing this with my current enterprise or is this simply an illusion? I didn't build wealth alone yet the paradox of this business partnership is that I feel as if I am a sole trader. What do I identify with in order to make that comparison?

Is there an enterprise before me where I appreciate the opportunity before me to build wealth in another way? Which void will drive me then? Will I re create this current challenge and cycle again and again around the same block? Where is the brick wall here? Where am I not already integrating my various identities to build wealth? Mmm the lie I tell myself daily is beginning to unravel.

I will always be a story teller.
Humans tell tales.
I will only perceive or think I know the characters and plots written in my own story.
My inspiration, motivation and interest is driven by my stories.
I will always be attracted to what I perceive as some sort of "solution" to some "void" I consider is real and existing in my life (story).
The older the tale the deeper the belief in its truth.
Everything I do - whether it is in my business services and products or in writing my articles and blogs and stories, I offer the same sort of "solution" to some "void" I consider is real and existing in my life (story). In order to market and "sell" - I use language and analogy so that others feel a need for my purported "solution".

The paradox is that no solution is possible – every veil of illusion (solution) is really only a Chinese Take Out meal. I will be hungry again in a couple of hours and so will my audience.

My hunger is driven by the story within me. The hunger of my clients, audience, students or readers is equally driven by the story within them.

Knowing that it is only a "story" and knowing that any enterprise is a function - a job - somehow reclaims the power from all my anxieties and stresses from NOT keeping to the plot in my head for this particular little fairy tale.

It is not the purpose of my enterprise - whether it is my current business, or my prospective life as an author to change the human story. I am simply one of the billions of characters.

So in this current challenge - this dragon that I now face - looking into its eyes, what story do I see? What costume do I wear and which character do I now portray?

Facing this dragon is not a dilemma.
This is an opportunity.
This is not a problem.
This is just one more part to play.

Perhaps my greatest fear has caused me to walk up this very high mountain, glancing over the edge of a very deep jagged cliff face poised to jump but debating the safety issues. I don't wish to jump without a parachute, or a very large spongey mat below that will catch my fall and cushion the pain of falling and landing. I want a guarantee that this jump will not hurt. I want my identity of control to use as a parachute. I want my identity of control to forge me a guarantee.

Not once do I consider the exhileration of free falling through the air.
Not once do I consider the sense of achievement and freedom I will feel once I land.
Not once do I feel joy in simply playing a character who jumps.

I simply want to know that I will be 100% safe and that my jump and subsequent fall is text book perfect.

What am I truly afraid of here?

This is not a dilemma.
This is simply a choice.
Perhaps seeing that I HAVE this choice is the whole purpose?

So when you ask yourself, "why am I doing this?", ask similiar questions to take yourself on a journey through the questions and out the other side.

What may you discover?

Finishing the Story

"Raindrops stung like water balloons thrown from 12 storeys above. They bomb dived and smashed onto Mille's back as she ran for shelter under the line of oak trees that lined the edge of the valley that slid down the eastern side of her village.

Thunder cracked above her head and electricity in the air sizzled in her ears. The water from the nearby river was rising quickly pooling in the valley. She spied the distant old mill that towered high above the clouds on the other side of the oak forest.

Running wet and terrified climbing stone steps she caught her breath near the top of the mill tower as the rising flood waters swirled below her."

"High in a tower hiding behind an overhanging jagged rocked mountainside, in a small room at the very top, lived a young girl known as Mille. With no recollection of how long she had been there or how she was originally captured, Mille lived her days and nights quietly and without complaint.

She knew the four faces of the moon, the four colours of the leaves of the one tree outside her tower and the movement of the stars that watched with her as she waited in her small room. The only voice she ever heard had been the wind as it howled, sang, whispered and coo-ed through the seasons.

One morning she awoke in the small room at the very top of the tower and looked out her window down at the overhanging jagged rocked mountainside and over the grey barren valley at the foot of the mountain. The leaves on the trees had burnt orange and yet the morning mist still hung insistently from each one. Mille could hear the wind as it coo-ed and aah-ed its good morning. Today however the wind was almost singing.

It's not yet time for a wind song, thought Mille, the leaves have two other shades to grow before then and Mintaka was still hanging overhead in the twilight. However the wind’s song was sweet and beautiful and seemed to be coming from just outside her window. Mille went over to her window and almost expected to actually see the wind singing when all of a sudden a brilliant ball of blue and yellow moved onto the closest branch of the tree that stood steadfastly outside her window. The ball fluttered in the filtered morning sun, basking in the limelight, shook its wings triumphantly and crooned even louder. Mille’s heart missed a beat, as she looked at the most beautiful bird she had ever seen.

His chest was fluffed red and his eyes were a brilliant emerald green. In spite of her presence, the small bird continued singing and before she knew it, Mille was humming along like she had heard this song before. It was so familiar almost as if she wrote it herself. Mille and the small bird sat together lost in melody until the sun faded from the day and the deep blue crept across the horizon beckoning Mintaka back above the tower to once again stand guard.

The next day, the bird flew onto the window ledge holding a fresh sprig of rosemary in its beak. Mille held out her hand and the bird carefully dropped it in. It smelt of a long lost spring, of fields not yet explored and of a warm smile.
Every day the bird delivered a small token into Mille’s outstretched hand and then sang a new song, intimate and personal, as if especially written for her."

Now before anything further happens with Mille and the bird, I have to ask myself what would I love to see happen to Mille? Would she live forever in the old mill by herself? Does she get rescued by the standard knight on the white horse? Or is the bird represent her true love - her "soul mate"? Do I trap the it in a gilded cage so it has to sing to Mille forever – sing to her and no one else? Can Mille love the bird just for being a beautiful bird and just get over the fact that he will fly away and maybe never again return to her?
Is it possible for Mille to have a satisfying relationship with a bird – some sleazy inter species fling?

How does the daily visit of the bird affect Mille’s life of imprisonment that up until this point she has carefully managed by focusing on the external systematic and dependable beauty around her?
How does the birds’ presence in her life awaken Mille’s heart and remind her of its longing and wish and desire?
How much easier would it be for Mille if the bird just flew away and stayed away so she could just get on with life in the tower? Then she could return to her life as before instead of feeling fear of future imaginings or feeling regret for past yearnings.

What would be the best story line for Mille?
What would be the best story line for the Bird?

Perhaps these are the questions that we could ask ourselves every day when we observe our own stories? What's the next story? How would you love your story to ultimately end? What story could we write for ourselves?

Imagine if we could be the ultimate author and authority in our own lives? :-)

What's behind Door Number Three?

The old saying is true - "You don't know what you got until its gone.". I didn't realise how much time I had on my hands, how much of a luxury it has been to write daily....until now.

I've begun the two week coundown before this major event that we are producing and managing and have been working 16 hour days. Now that sounds big and stress filled, however I am finding it to be enjoyable, productive and simply heaps of fun.
Anyone who "knows" me, knows my "story" would question that statement, however since doing the daily Activations, my energy level is increased substantially. I am feeling less detached from the colour of the story and more focused on my purpose for it.

Thats a nice side effect.

(Can you see the justification story emerging here? he he:-)

My observations this week have all been about the integration of my body - which obviously represents and mirrors something quite important to me. For me, it is like being on a treasure hunt and all these observations are clues. However the treasure hunt is simply ONE game to play in a world with limitless options.

I am watching my "self" - whatever that is - strain to connect my torso to my limbs. I can see how I "hold" gurgling fears and stories in my stomach and can almost track corresponding upset tummies to external stories playing out. So I'm asking myself "Whats behind Door Number Three? What's behind the challenge with connecting my torso to my limbs in the activations? What's behind this? What is my body telling me?

I spent time with both my parents on Easter Sunday - separately at different times and locations. I was then ill all night and the following day - purported food poisoning. No one else experienced any symptoms. While in Bali one month ago, with my business partner/ex husband, I was ill the entire week - purported Bali Belly - food poisoning. He didn't experience one symptom.

First Chart in this Case Study - The Dis Ease Map. :-)

I could create quite a catalogue of justifications, explanations, reasons and ultimately stories about the WHY and eventually consider them to be real. At the end of the day, I will always get what I see - my perspective is based on my perspective is based on my perspective so story upon story layer upon layer - I am a character in my own story instead of looking BEYOND it to the bigger picture.

I have many years invested in the "My Parents are Monsters" story - it is a best seller. Yet spending time with Mum and Dad separately gave me an interesting perspective – a bit of a school project if you like – comparing and contrasting. Horror of horrors, I am quite a mix of both of them – as we humans are genetically predisposed. This study of self through the mirror of others is a fascinating experience.

Childhood was an adventure for my brother and I as our parents faced and fought many dragons in their Heroes Journeys. I say adventure after writing various words and then deleting them. My first word was "horrific" - interesting description choice - compared to what? I am actually laughing at myself at this point while observing my language choice as the story unfolds.

In the past, I have felt such shame at having been married and divorced twice - the same shame I felt during my childhood in regard to my own parents. However now, in merely observing that history, I wonder about what and who I was identifying myself with to make such a judgement?

Each generation seeks identity through the external mirrors - relationship, family, position, power, knowledge, money, work, appearance, mythology, dogma. I used to believe that my generation tried to find an identity through relationship as we had no connection to self. How funny - EVERY generation is the same. In a shifting world of religion, society and transforming values, perhaps we ALL attempt to re create stories of the past while trying to live a fantasy - an ideal for the future - as portrayed in the media and the entertainment mediums or in books, myths or fables?

For my part, I had no clue who I was. I "owned" a vast collection of external personality impressions that I greatly resented and continually fought. The common catchphrase in my family was "You're such a Nicki". Man that pissed me off! I seemed to be powerless to control or change that sentiment and that truly bothered me.

Looking back in review of my "history", I can see how my first marriage and subsequent adoption into a big Italian family facilitated my transition from childhood into youth by surrogating my biological family in a language that I understood. That relationship did not end but merely changed in form - its purpose was family and that is how it remains. My next marriage forged a critical step in the identity process for me. Transitioning out of youth and away from "the family", this relationship shook me out of my childhood fantasies, shattering oh so many myths to create a solid Enterprise foundation in order to "grow" me - whoever that was. That relationship did not end but merely changed in form - its purpose was business and that is how it remains.

Great story but at least I'm collecting more observations and less judgements about it now. Somehow it looks clearer and less tainted by shame.

So with several paradigms shifted into unfamiliar territory, I can see how my torso struggling to connect to my limbs indicates more ancient pattern treasures lying in wait for discovery and observation - I guess in one form, collapsing the charge.

So I observe and observe and note when my stomach turns and gurgles as it has become a weather bane of sorts. It still tells me stories, however I am not listening to THEM as much as watching how they bubble and boil.

Playing is the new Black

It's interesting observing the human identification process and suppressing my need to know.

This morning I saw how we all seek to identify ourselves through organisations. eg Demartini students at first identify themselves with the traits they are collapsing. How many times do you hear them/me/you/us say - I'll have to work on that" - "I'll have to collapse that."??? We identify ourselves with the positive or negative side of the trait. Instead of observing we identify.

Then those who choose to become facilitators, in their training, identify themselves with traits PLUS they identify themselves with being a Facilitator - and the infatuation/resentment cycle commences. Add to that, an identification with the Promoter, another Facilitator and Demartini himself.

Literally layers of stories!

Ok here it is - I'm asking the question WHY do we seek to align/associate/pattern ourselves with external aspects of - well - ourselves?

If I quiet my brain and just watch it for a moment - sshhhh - the answer is in Nature isn't it? Animal species colour their hides and shells with various camouflages as part of an ongoing survival instinct. They don't colour themselves - they don't create it themselves (sorry Bob) - they create their own version of their own perception don't they? Ah - they create their own story!

What is the Darwinian theory in this regard? Over time Girrafes stretch their necks to reach high food - mmm - I'll just sit in that for a bit maybe.

Then I thought about BRANDS - ha! the ultimate identity!

How funny - I have been working on BRANDS with clients for a few years now. I begin the process with a Value assessment - the ultimate self identification process. This morning while doing the exercise I see the entire Branding process in a different light. The building of a Brand is a creative enterprise - like designing a house, composing a song, scripting a movie and writing a novel. A Brand is another story - written specifically to achieve specific purpose and goals.

Only NOW, seeing it like the director in "The Truman Show" movie, it seems easier and more fun - impossible to fail! There IS not succeed or fail - only play! It is our relationship to MONEY - FAIR EXCHANGE - where we perceive bad or good - succeed or fail!!!

Once the creative process is complete, business seems to more like a game of cards - we're trying on different strategies and tactics. Keeping score in a structured system maintains a constant flow of feedback which eventually self generates its own benchmarking system and process for compare and contrast - one strategy to use to monitor the game and observe the fair exchange.

This morning I have watched the humble story transform into a game - still the same element - only expressed in another way - like water - ice and steam.

Losing a game isn't bad. Winning a game isn't good. Playing the game holds a black hole of possibilities - both good and bad.

Playing is the NEW Black.

Questioning the Question

Demartini talks about "The quality of Questions" being the factor that dictates the quality in your life.

I've lived my life in a state of questioning - and driven most people IN my life - completely insane in the process.

Today - while doing the activation exercise, I looked at my "questions" and no longer saw a friend. I saw a grey mist that hung around me almost as a veil of protection.

The words that I have shared most of my life with are WHY, WHO, HOW, WHEN, WHAT AND WHERE.

These 6 Ws relieve the tension that Robert Fritz talks about.

These 6 Ws provide comfort or reason.

These 6 Ws write great stories.

Is taking the Path of Least Resistance more about observation, study and the keeping of statistics by measuring, tracking and monitoring? When we observe, we automatically compare and contrast to a "story" - a benchmark and standard.

Which story?

Cut - thats a Wrap!

I discovered something big!

My heart rate was up, my energy levels were high and my vision was clear and sharp.
My life was buzzing with people and places.

There was a project that I was putting together that included Sam and a group of kids his age. It “felt” similar to the creation of a major recording act for a global label: writing songs, choreographing, producing, arranging, styling, recruiting musicians, training crew and managing a whole host of people. But no - this wasn’t the music industry – it became more and more obvious that I was directing a blockbuster movie here!


I created a very large Project Picture Board and was cutting out pictures, collecting swatches, gathering materials, testing various colours and textures and mapping out scenarios on this board – crafting the project as an Artisan would plan his master creation.

This group of kids all had something in common – I had somehow linked stories, genetics, histories and experiences from their “real” lives in such a way that each person (performer, crew, staff, clients) involved in the project was powerfully linked to the other – in turn creating an emotional and spiritual bond that would hold them together in times of crisis and challenge.

At times I even got caught up on the “thrill” of the project when someone recognised or identified another “special” connection.

My heart was in my mouth – the excitement was palpable.

I was happy and busy – delegating, directing, and planning in a studio location that covered the size of what seemed like an entire country. The set was teeming with activity all established and designed to support my plans and the production of this project.

One night, while reviewing the casting list, I came up with two photographs and two names of men who looked very similar. They were each seeking the same role. I glanced back and forth at each photograph and name and selected quickly – and then moved on. This project was my life – there was no time to consider and postulate – I had to be on the ball – there was a deadline and a budget to meet! However even though this role was quite minor, I had this nagging feeling that I selected the wrong man for this part.

The project work continued as normal for a while. Sometimes I got caught up in the script and get carried away with the emotions of the storylines. We were beginning to film at night as well as day, and no one went home – everyone lived on set. This movie very quickly became our life.

One particularly long day, I was directing a cornerstone in the movie – where the storyline reveals the identity of 4 pivotal characters – and the connections between them were all somehow related to my current personal history. I turned to the script writer and queried this –as I didn’t authorise it. Before she could answer me, the man in the photograph that I didn’t choose for that particular part, and was now one of the extras, walked up to me, stood still and steady in front of me, faced me directly, reached out and touched my arm and my heart stopped beating – just for a moment. I gasped as his eyes “held” mine – not in a romantic type of way, but it physically “felt” like that. He said: “You selected the wrong man for that part. I’m the man – it’s me.”

Momentarily I became part of my own script. “OMG I KNOW you! It’s YOU. Where have you been? How could I have missed you?” My heart was singing. I recognised something in this man that felt like home – only a home I had never been to before. My whole body relaxed and held itself differently. We danced, kissed and hugged each other tightly and both cried tears of joy. “We have to be together. I need to speak with you. Where can we go to be alone?” he whispered and begged.

I don’t even know why I identified the feeling with “home” as I had no childhood home – none with pleasant memories at least. Safe – he felt safe – that was it! Safe from what? What did safe feel like anyway? This was unsettling – unfamiliar – however it “felt” warm – like one of those delicious late summer winds that rise up out of nowhere on a perfect day and echoes some memory of pleasure and comfort from long ago.

A camera fell, one light blew and the set broke for lunch break and crew, staff and actors swarmed around me with questions about the shoot seeking reassurance, asking direction and requesting assistance.

I quickly arranged to meet him later that day in the country set near the field of daffodils that lay beside the road up the mountain – where we were scheduled to shoot later that week. There we would have peace and quiet and no interruptions.

We parted – me back to my Directors job while he disappeared into a crowd of working bodies.

I rushed, raced, out of focus, out of control. Disconnected from my purpose, my concentration was wavering and I couldn’t think straight and was achieving nothing.

Followed by my assistants and minders, I began to walk to the daffodil set. It took me fours hours to walk there. As this walk was unscheduled, it created pandemonium on the set and amongst my staff who followed me firing relentless questions, asking for direction, seeking reassurance and requesting assistance.

I worked and walked, and sweated and puffed and began to feel emotions with every step. Anger, frustration, terror, anxiety – every feeling I had poured into my work, actors, characterisations and storylines were now felt and expressed. I had one focus – to reach him and be with him.

We reached the field of daffodils and he was waiting there for me.
Just as we were about to touch, I was interrupted by a cameraman.
I stopped to address his problem.
That complete, I touched his arm and the stylist needed assistance with an issue.
I fixed that for her.
He grabbed my hand and the production manager sought my advice on a lighting question.
I surveyed the area and delivered my recommendation.
He whispered gently in my ear and three actors interrupted with a query on their dialogue.
I asked for five minutes so I could finish my work, he let go of my hand.
Anger welled inside of me – attention diverted – I couldn’t do my job and I couldn’t spend time with this man.
I felt trapped and suffocated and in despair.
The soundtrack within me swelled to a dramatic crescendo and another director ABOVE our set yelled CUT – that’s a wrap – and all I heard was loud applause and then silence.

The man disappeared.

I was standing all alone in a field of daffodils with no production crew, actors, project or movie set in sight.

Just me.

A Bedtime Story

Doing these Activations, I am swamped by questions - questions about everything - gradually unravelling the magic carpet that I thought was me. I wrote this to one of the characters in my own personal story - ME. :-)

What is my value?

What is my purpose?

Why am I here?

Why is my space filled with you - who is actually NOT here physically in my space?

Am I holding onto something? Is it me or is it you? Why are you here? Why am I here?

I want a taste of the true inner work and my own true Being.
A partnership in business and friendship is my preference.
No I want more - no limits - no story - I want the black hole of possibility. However I don't want to write it into any form. Why? I ALWAYS need a form - why not now?

Why am I being asked this question now?

Why do I need to answer?

What is THIS story about?

You are a black hole for me - endless and limitless with no boundaries or benchmarks - I don't want to change that.
I guess I don't like ultimatums or threats.

What is it that I want?

I do not know.

I do know.

It's funny - I'm just now starting to really get somewhere with this process - finally - and NOW it seems like you no longer want to do it with me.

This is the story of my life.

Rejected yet again.

I do not know why.

A million reasons why are buzzing in my head. Are they my stories or the projections of another?

In retropect, I can see where my original purpose for doing the process - beta tester, case studier, feedback gatherer - had prevented me from fully opening to the process - hence battles and struggles. I was trying to maintain my business hat and ensure that my feedback was of value - while consciously collecting data - I was still in service mode.

I have experienced a certain pattern in my life where I seek something out, draw it into my life and then when it gets too close, fear takes over and I push it away and reject it. I hide behind something safe and familiar and comfortable - even though its not what I truly want, but I convince myself that I don't need that new thing - this old thing is perfect for me - and so I do the big sell and crawl back into my little box - to avoid confronting a deep dark fear.

Move in closer - move away further - in closer - away further - in - away - in - away.
Like the ebb and flow of a tide.

Why do I want the water to stop flowing?

This is my greatest fear of all - the fear of not being good enough, the fear of being rejected, the fear of being unlovable and unwanted.

Is the shattering of this illusion the next step in the process for me?
Am I in your hands or my own?
Where am I going?
How will I know if and when I get there?

I want a story based relationship.
I want an intimate partnership.

Thats natural.

However in saying this, wouldn't my own own personal story paint these expectations in a certain colour?
You and I do not know each others colour yet.
So on what basis do we guess the shade, texture, style and depth in these swatches?

Right now I feel like I am the blow up doll in the movie "Lars and the Real Girl". I feel like I am a substitute - instead of the "real thing".

I know that we all paint a picture of how we want an aspect of our lives to look - and when it doesnt look that way - we feel threatened, uncomfortable, compromised, disappointed and maybe just plain pissed off. I understand that only too well.
I imagine a green box slapped with a particular label - this box lies in the dark corner - and I am sticking my legs out jamming the box so that I cannot be stuffed inside it - no way will I let anyone close the kid on me either!!!

I'm confused and perplexed and tired. I have worn myself out with this incessant arguing and fighting. Who am I fighting?

ME.

What for?

No idea - sport - entertainment - boredom - because I can?

No more.

I will say goodbye - this is too difficult to maintain. Why do I sense an underlying current of dishonesty? I feel played like a game of poker in a dingy back alley. It's like being the baby in between my warring parents all over again. OK the third party isn't directly involved in this - no wait - she is - she is there - constantly.
I've done it again! I'm in the middle of my parents. The single in the Triangle. My father loves me as his child and his project. My mother is jealous and will scape goat me if she needs to. I serve her purpose when required however I have no value or identity other than what SHE allocates to me. Grrr - no this is just a story - it isn't real - it isn't me - it is just a story.
Why am I always reliving the same story? If it isn't who I am, why repeat it?
This is only a story - it isn't me.
Breathe - drop shoulders - breathe - smooth forehead - breathe - it's just a story.

OK I shall hold a Zen funeral.

What did I learn from this story?

You have changed my life - since the first moment we met there has been some sort of magnetic force - a knowing beyond knowing. I have learned so much from you. Your words, exchanges, information - I have loved every single one. It has been an honour to have known you. Thank you for being a part of my life. I am filled with gratitude.

The truth is that I would love to share my stories with you and for you to share yours with me however...however I also wish to share what lies beyond the stories with you.

What does that mean though?
Why do I feel you so strongly?
Not just now - it has always been this way?
I blocked it with others successfully for years.
If I try to block it again, how will that serve either of us?

Is that what I should do now?
I can rebuild the wall - I'm good at that - I will rebuild the wall.

I love you. I love many people. My heart is filled with many faces and yours is one of them.
How can I say that?
I have no story to use to explain this.
I have such a deep faith in you - in you I see the Guru, the Master, the Genius, the Wizard, the Billionaire, the Prophet, the Man.
Yet I acquiesce and step aside and leave your space.

Why do I ALWAYS do this? Ugh - I move to the side and give away my space.
Why do I believe I have no worth in my own space?

I wish you everything that your heart longs for. Everything - no boundaries - no walls - no limits - every single thing. I wish for you the world - I wish for you to NEVER feel alone or pain ever again.

You glow - in my memory, in my heart, in my soul - the world is lighter because you are here.
Not a happy ending to this story.
Every story has an ending though - and a beginning.

In re reading this I am chuckling to myself. What a funny sad little story? How many of us tell ourselves this Bedtime Story on a regular basis. :-)