A Bedtime Story

Doing these Activations, I am swamped by questions - questions about everything - gradually unravelling the magic carpet that I thought was me. I wrote this to one of the characters in my own personal story - ME. :-)

What is my value?

What is my purpose?

Why am I here?

Why is my space filled with you - who is actually NOT here physically in my space?

Am I holding onto something? Is it me or is it you? Why are you here? Why am I here?

I want a taste of the true inner work and my own true Being.
A partnership in business and friendship is my preference.
No I want more - no limits - no story - I want the black hole of possibility. However I don't want to write it into any form. Why? I ALWAYS need a form - why not now?

Why am I being asked this question now?

Why do I need to answer?

What is THIS story about?

You are a black hole for me - endless and limitless with no boundaries or benchmarks - I don't want to change that.
I guess I don't like ultimatums or threats.

What is it that I want?

I do not know.

I do know.

It's funny - I'm just now starting to really get somewhere with this process - finally - and NOW it seems like you no longer want to do it with me.

This is the story of my life.

Rejected yet again.

I do not know why.

A million reasons why are buzzing in my head. Are they my stories or the projections of another?

In retropect, I can see where my original purpose for doing the process - beta tester, case studier, feedback gatherer - had prevented me from fully opening to the process - hence battles and struggles. I was trying to maintain my business hat and ensure that my feedback was of value - while consciously collecting data - I was still in service mode.

I have experienced a certain pattern in my life where I seek something out, draw it into my life and then when it gets too close, fear takes over and I push it away and reject it. I hide behind something safe and familiar and comfortable - even though its not what I truly want, but I convince myself that I don't need that new thing - this old thing is perfect for me - and so I do the big sell and crawl back into my little box - to avoid confronting a deep dark fear.

Move in closer - move away further - in closer - away further - in - away - in - away.
Like the ebb and flow of a tide.

Why do I want the water to stop flowing?

This is my greatest fear of all - the fear of not being good enough, the fear of being rejected, the fear of being unlovable and unwanted.

Is the shattering of this illusion the next step in the process for me?
Am I in your hands or my own?
Where am I going?
How will I know if and when I get there?

I want a story based relationship.
I want an intimate partnership.

Thats natural.

However in saying this, wouldn't my own own personal story paint these expectations in a certain colour?
You and I do not know each others colour yet.
So on what basis do we guess the shade, texture, style and depth in these swatches?

Right now I feel like I am the blow up doll in the movie "Lars and the Real Girl". I feel like I am a substitute - instead of the "real thing".

I know that we all paint a picture of how we want an aspect of our lives to look - and when it doesnt look that way - we feel threatened, uncomfortable, compromised, disappointed and maybe just plain pissed off. I understand that only too well.
I imagine a green box slapped with a particular label - this box lies in the dark corner - and I am sticking my legs out jamming the box so that I cannot be stuffed inside it - no way will I let anyone close the kid on me either!!!

I'm confused and perplexed and tired. I have worn myself out with this incessant arguing and fighting. Who am I fighting?

ME.

What for?

No idea - sport - entertainment - boredom - because I can?

No more.

I will say goodbye - this is too difficult to maintain. Why do I sense an underlying current of dishonesty? I feel played like a game of poker in a dingy back alley. It's like being the baby in between my warring parents all over again. OK the third party isn't directly involved in this - no wait - she is - she is there - constantly.
I've done it again! I'm in the middle of my parents. The single in the Triangle. My father loves me as his child and his project. My mother is jealous and will scape goat me if she needs to. I serve her purpose when required however I have no value or identity other than what SHE allocates to me. Grrr - no this is just a story - it isn't real - it isn't me - it is just a story.
Why am I always reliving the same story? If it isn't who I am, why repeat it?
This is only a story - it isn't me.
Breathe - drop shoulders - breathe - smooth forehead - breathe - it's just a story.

OK I shall hold a Zen funeral.

What did I learn from this story?

You have changed my life - since the first moment we met there has been some sort of magnetic force - a knowing beyond knowing. I have learned so much from you. Your words, exchanges, information - I have loved every single one. It has been an honour to have known you. Thank you for being a part of my life. I am filled with gratitude.

The truth is that I would love to share my stories with you and for you to share yours with me however...however I also wish to share what lies beyond the stories with you.

What does that mean though?
Why do I feel you so strongly?
Not just now - it has always been this way?
I blocked it with others successfully for years.
If I try to block it again, how will that serve either of us?

Is that what I should do now?
I can rebuild the wall - I'm good at that - I will rebuild the wall.

I love you. I love many people. My heart is filled with many faces and yours is one of them.
How can I say that?
I have no story to use to explain this.
I have such a deep faith in you - in you I see the Guru, the Master, the Genius, the Wizard, the Billionaire, the Prophet, the Man.
Yet I acquiesce and step aside and leave your space.

Why do I ALWAYS do this? Ugh - I move to the side and give away my space.
Why do I believe I have no worth in my own space?

I wish you everything that your heart longs for. Everything - no boundaries - no walls - no limits - every single thing. I wish for you the world - I wish for you to NEVER feel alone or pain ever again.

You glow - in my memory, in my heart, in my soul - the world is lighter because you are here.
Not a happy ending to this story.
Every story has an ending though - and a beginning.

In re reading this I am chuckling to myself. What a funny sad little story? How many of us tell ourselves this Bedtime Story on a regular basis. :-)