Conversations with Millie
Its 6.30pm and the world is quietly unwinding its day as I sit on this hill overlooking a green picture book country side. The only sounds are the kookaburras chuckling at my childlike wonder as I sit deep in memory. One cow moos and I’m a child back on my grandparent’s farm.
I can almost see Millie, my grandma, sitting on the steps of the dilapidated old farm house perched on the hill opposite me. She dusts off her apron, bends to the side to pull a couple of weeds from her geranium patch under the steps and wipes the sweat off her brow as she plans her next job for the day. Its not just the mundane household chores of cooking, cleaning, washing, gardening and sewing – she rises at 3am to help her husband do the milking and is planning another of her many projects – always for the benefit of others – household, family, church, school or community. Her sister is visiting and she’ll clean up after dinner quickly so she can play games with Aggie – roaring with laughter while scheming to annihilate each other in scrabble and Chinese checkers strategy.
I think of Millie often throughout my life but this evening, seated outside surrounded by bush, valleys, hills and landscapes dotted with farms, dams, paddocks and sheds, she is with me as if the memory overlaps into my present.
“I’m here kiddo. You’re ok. You worry too much – always have. This country is in your blood – it breathes into you and reminds you of the many arms that hold you. I played a similar character to you – the “unloved” – the “never good enough”. Your father is a carbon copy of mine. For a short epoch in time I too convinced myself that I gave up my dreams to look after everyone else. How good does it feel to be needed by husbands and babies? What better way to feel loved, wanted and needed? You and I knew what we were doing as the “mother and wife” characters didn’t we?”
“You have my creative streak. I expressed it in my sewing, craftwork, cooking, and gardening and in my relationships with my children and grandchildren. You create systems and stories in your business that take me as the observor on a journey into an unknown world – its magical and almost identical to the many quilts I may have sewn over the years. You and I are both so grounded in our babies. Oh how I loved my children – oh how I adored my sons! Keith was to me as N is to you. Losing him so young severed that attachment and it took me 30 years to recover. 30 years! I held on so tight. Learn from my lesson kiddo and let go. N is made of tougher stuff than Keith. He’s not going anyway for a very long time.”
“I met you at two weeks of age – do you remember that? You looked at me with such a decided analytical stare. I knew immediately that you held parts of my heart. You were such a serious baby – I think you even had your first determined frown in those first weeks. Always watching, always considering – I think your mother found you overwhelming as she truly had no place to hide from you. Don’t worry about your own babies - you’ve done a great job, kiddo. I watch over you constantly. You are a different mother to my daughter. She was consumed by her own fragile stories. That’s why you were born first – she couldn’t possibly have survived in those early years if she had to worry about you as well.”
“I found it impossible to deal with Phyllis. As a baby, she wasn’t like you at all. No she demanded total attention from me. With two other children and a busy farm to look after, her first year as a screaming baby drove me to breaking point. But what she gave me in beauty and brains I will always be grateful for - gorgeous girl that she is! I see that S is so much like her. However don’t be fooled, he is your perfect mirror and is destined to be your greatest ally as well as your loudest detractor. Nothing personal - he’s only expressing what you think you hide so well. I chuckle when I watch your dedication to bullshit. You fool no one, you know that right?”
“There is no one person to hold in your heart. Realise that your destiny is in your own hands and with or without any man you lose or gain nothing. There is no “need” for you two to be together with any specific person. This illusion that you live in - is simply that. A great tale designed to break you out of old habits. If you feel alone - see where you actually WANT that. If you feel betrayed, see where you actually betray others. Someone how is unfaithful and dishonest in their relationship with you is merely showing you how you treat yourself. Remember you wouldn't so it if there wasn't some advantage in the doing. My mother would always say to me "Millie - what is this telling you?" I dismissed her in my youth and my life proved her to be 100% correct. Forget about your analysis. Forget about the problems of another. Forget your judgement. Whoever is in your life is one hell of a mirror for you, so take a good long look.”
“You are surrounded by brothers - your own, cousins and friends. This is important to you - I know - I loved my own brothers. In this fashion, T is destined to guide N in a way that no one else can. They have an ancient connection like no other. Your beautiful precious girl – oh your daughter is so much like you were. She is loved well by you - surprise surprise - just as you were. Like N, she feels unconditionally loved and operates from that deep well of security and certainty that was so unfamiliar for you.”
“Your own body – your battle with your it’s determination to keep you protected at all costs – is a battle with yourself. As a natural born story teller, this tale is held together by the oldest of all beliefs that you were born into a situation that immediately required protection. This tale began in the womb for you – you always “felt” that you were in danger. However you know that this is simply one story in a catalogue of many don’t you? You were born into a family who loved you – into an environment where you were perfectly safe. See it? Your body is like mine, actually like all humans, set into a holding pattern and imprinted with the same mechanical systematic response program.”
“Now at this moment in your life you are very close to making a huge leap in consciousness. I am here with you. Can you feel me? I am always here, pulling weeds from the back steps, planning the evening meal and scheming how to beat that sister of mine in backgammon once and for all. :-) I’m a willing voyeur of your life and marvelling at how it unrolls before me like an old sepia slideshow at the Pomona nickelodeon Aggie and I used to watch every second Saturday matinee. Yes, your story is familiar and fills the pages of classics in every culture, class and period.”
“Do you know that I am in your life in the face of another? The sweetness of sound that drips like honey in their voice, the lullaby of the melodies in the music and the sway of the rhythm in the words. As a young child you always got bored and fidgety when dancing. So I need you to know that this dance could very well go on for years. Hey look at it this way - its great exercise, try not to step on his toes too much and enjoy the gentle movement of the beat while you are in his arms. Open your heart and keep it open kiddo. The pain you continue to feel in your body around your heart is when you close it. You lose nothing when it is open. Just dance for now ok?”
“Health and beauty comes from within you, kiddo. Your body will not glow from anyone else’s light - just your own. Your face has always been exquisitely beautiful. As a baby, it was perfectly round framed with dark curls and bejewelled with brilliant blue green eyes. It matches the exquisite shape of your heart. Your well protected body will adjust slowly – all you need to do is love it while it is rebalancing.”
“Can you feel the trees here? Can you hear the birds and the crickets? They are singing to you. This symphony kept me alive in times of exhaustion, stress and grief and heartache. The sound of the bush is the sound of the stars is the sound of my mother’s heartbeat in the womb. Feel this space – the peace – the green – remember and breathe it in slowly and deeply. Do you remember having a bath in the late afternoons, changing into freshly starched hand sewn pyjamas, having early dinner and then sitting on the steps listening to the bush? You were never afraid and always eager to explore and discover the life that danced amongst the trees at twilight.”
“Drape yourself in your childhood memories of bush, farm, playing, freedom, silence, safety and love. Your parents loved you well for they recognised that you needed to be in the bush. Taking you to wherever I was and to Cooran was their gift to you. You were a gift to me. I KNEW you and loved you well. Did you feel me? Have no regrets, kiddo. Cherish every moment – even the shitty ones. The smells of the bush ignite a fire in your heart and this fire is me – my love – my energy – my life force transformed. This is me keeping you safe and warm. It is safe – you can let go of that extra protection now.”
“I love your children. T has such a true heart willing to invest himself in life like a warrior happy to launch into battle. N is strong, solid, and dependable. He feels so well loved by you that he has no worries in his life. S’s passionate and capable of great love and great pain. He lives his life on an edge – challenging himself and others to test his own true worth. He is deeply connected to you – right from his first moment in your womb. Your relationship with him will complete many cycles. He is the family pinnacle – he is the catalyst and holds tight to benchmarks and standards – kind of like you in your business. :-) S will fight to hold onto family and will seek to protect his siblings for the rest of all their lives. A is both angel and devil simultaneously protecting and exhausting all her own reserves. The second mother, the loving big sister, the beautiful loyal friend, the faithful wife - such a Capricorn - who faces years of illness until she sees both the shadow and sunshine within as glorious equals. Fear not, her brothers will always be there for her – especially T who expresses his masculinity in his love for his sister.”
“A big part of you have become a cynic and your jaded view of soul mates and love diminishes your view of that glorious landscape. Look closer. You have been shown the colours and textures of your own heart and been loved deeply. Open your hands, kiss the dove that you hold and give it permission to fly free - fly into the divine blue sky that tomorrow holds.”
“One evening, as the sun sets low, you will look out over the hills and see YOUR granddaughter as I see YOU now. Sitting on the steps of a dilapidated old farm house perched on a hill overlooking a tree filled valley, she will dust off her apron, bend to the side to pull a couple of weeds from her geranium patch under the steps and wipe the sweat off her brow as she plans her next job for the day. You will marvel at her dedication to the mundane household chores of cooking, cleaning, washing, gardening and sewing – rising at 3am to help her husband in his business while planning another of her many projects – always for the benefit of others – household, family, church, school or community. Her sister, noisily clanging in the kitchen, twitters to herself while cleaning up quickly so she can finally win at Scrabble.”
As the setting sun fades the green of this valley, the damp emerald of the vines that climb over the cow bales tease my nose with smells that erase so many decades at once taking me back to just outside the kitchen where I can almost hear Millie and Aggie rolling around in loud guffaws as they bellow about their made up seven letter triple score words.
Venus has appeared above my head, giving me a sign that love is all around me, as I sit on this hill overlooking a green picture book country side, safe in the arms of my memories - my very own made up triple score story.
