When everything is ON THE LINE
There was some little story chasing me in regards to the Festival we just produced. Regardless of all my collapsing and observations, I can still smell the faint scent of "everything is on the line". Like a bottle of perfume you only use for special occasions, this story isn't running all the time - only for very special occasions when we have something to prove, something to show off, a milestone to achieve.
As much as I did detach myself from several old button pushers (yeah for me) the scientist within collected data and statistics that indicate more subtle and sneakier stories filtering in and driving actions.
The old saying, "on the line" indicates a high level of risk. So I ask this question, why would an older story coming out to play pose a risk or threat? It's as if yesterday and last night were a final episode on a soapie complete with cliffhanger and "to be continued". Even in dreaming there was a great sense of an ending. (I dreamed that one employee died in the office immediately after the closure of the Festival at midnight - it was unsettlingly real)
As I review the experience of the past five month campaign, it feels more personal than professional. The wealth and the debt are equally balanced. The stories I have collected fill an encyclopedia. The questions I have asked have taken me to a place where I DO feel like "everything is on the line".
What is everything?
Where does the line sit?
Who drew the line?
What does it matter if everything is on it or beside it?
It feels as if I gathered critical evidence for a looming court battle. Do I make decisions about my life based on my observations of the stories around me? What story drives my feeling of impending doom? What is it that I abhor so greatly and fear so deeply? I feel closer while sinking deeper into a quagmire of question.
I have noticed that fear takes my breath away. Identifying this feeling of "everything on the line", I can watch my breath get stuck in between my torso and my shoulders. This place is so familiar - ugh - AH HA moment - of course - I have been here before.
This story belongs to a three year old. Stubborn angry indignant three year old girl who views both her parents as complete imbeciles. She cannot wait to grow up and leave home so she can do what they SHOULD have done in this first place - be the parent and adult she expected - not what she got. Yet she feels trapped by her seemingly unnatural attachment to them. How could she love them in the circumstances? How could she allow them into her heart when they clearly do not deserve it. Who are these people and how did she end up with them? What universal error is responsible for this crime against nature?
I have a lump in my throat while typing this. My chest is tight, tears welling in my eyes, I feel as if I want to scream but there is no breath available. Ok, where does this story come from? By judging her parents in this manner, this three year old girl is expressing a dynamic which must be mirroring how THEY feel about THEMSELVES.
Wow - how many famillies perpatuate this sort of lineage generation after generation? Why do I judge this as bad? Where is the criteria sheet that I am following?
Thought - is all the anger in the world merely a symptom of an old storyline being threatened?
Perhaps there are a number of old characters that are feeling a little threatened at the moment hence the overwhelming "everything is on the line" colour?
Perhaps I have been a closet cryptographer for my entire life, reading between the lines, seeking to break codes and decipher meaning in all the stories I have collected without realising that I wrote the secret parameter in the first place!!!
Perhaps the most fun thing to do when colouring your life is to colour OUTSIDE the LINES? :-)
