Why am I doing this job?

How many times do we ask ourselves this question - why am I doing this job?
I ask myself constantly - these are some of my questions.

What is the purpose for me to work in this current business?
Why am I here?
If your job is your own business - why did I set this up so many years ago?
What did I "get" out of it back then?
What do I "get" out of it now?
Why am I experiencing such despair internally while externally enjoying incredible "perceived" and "financial" success? (or whatever question you may have)
Why do I cling to a fantasy that "someday I will publish my books and leave this god awful industry and do what I love"?
Why do I think this business (which has grown four kids and paid handsomely for my lifestyle) is "god awful"?
What do I identify with in "writing" that somehow gives me comfort and the illusion that I am doing what I "love" that I do not in my current enterprise?
My body is expressing great pain - pains in my chest, migraines, vomiting, nausea - the questions surface with the symptoms - do I have cancer? am I dying?
Why, when I have such an enormous opportunity before me, am I paralysed in physical pain?
Why, when all my hard work is beginning to pay off, am I paralysed in mental anguish?
I cry, I scream in anger and fear - out of control and disintegrated - why am I expressing such a dynamic when I have no time to stop? Why, in the face of such greatness, such opportunity, such capitulation, such a pay off, am I falling apart like this?

Do I seek to create some sort of association of likeminded individuals designed to provide me with informal live beta testing, case studying and a forum for me to share this journey? Is the purpose to play the Community Game? If so, then my financial support will not come from writing. I therefore make a decision about my investment of time and energy versus return benefits and base energy and time commitment on this.

Do I seek to create a platform for me to expand my consciousness, and be a part of the Universal Story? Is the purpose to play the Spiritual Game? If so, then my financial support will not come from writing. I therefore make a decision about my investment of time and energy versus return benefits and base energy and time commitment on this.

Do I seek an expression dynamic for my Intelligence and Knowledge talents? Is the purpose to play the Intellectual Game? If so, then my financial support will not come from writing. I therefore make a decision about my investment of time and energy versus return benefits and base energy and time commitment on this.

Do I seek an avenue of connection through readers, students, fellow teachers all mirrors of myself? Do I seek a place to empty my heart and soul to fill the void of walking through this life empty handed and alone? Is the purpose is to play the Relationship Game? If so, then my financial support will not come from writing. I therefore make a decision about my investment of time and energy versus return benefits and base energy and time commitment on this - not to mention to considerable risks involved that relationships with others bring when unspecified. (ah ha - there's an interesting observation about my self- I'll sit with THIS one for a bit)

I love money. I love business. I love building wealth in both areas. Have I succeeded in doing this with my current enterprise or is this simply an illusion? I didn't build wealth alone yet the paradox of this business partnership is that I feel as if I am a sole trader. What do I identify with in order to make that comparison?

Is there an enterprise before me where I appreciate the opportunity before me to build wealth in another way? Which void will drive me then? Will I re create this current challenge and cycle again and again around the same block? Where is the brick wall here? Where am I not already integrating my various identities to build wealth? Mmm the lie I tell myself daily is beginning to unravel.

I will always be a story teller.
Humans tell tales.
I will only perceive or think I know the characters and plots written in my own story.
My inspiration, motivation and interest is driven by my stories.
I will always be attracted to what I perceive as some sort of "solution" to some "void" I consider is real and existing in my life (story).
The older the tale the deeper the belief in its truth.
Everything I do - whether it is in my business services and products or in writing my articles and blogs and stories, I offer the same sort of "solution" to some "void" I consider is real and existing in my life (story). In order to market and "sell" - I use language and analogy so that others feel a need for my purported "solution".

The paradox is that no solution is possible – every veil of illusion (solution) is really only a Chinese Take Out meal. I will be hungry again in a couple of hours and so will my audience.

My hunger is driven by the story within me. The hunger of my clients, audience, students or readers is equally driven by the story within them.

Knowing that it is only a "story" and knowing that any enterprise is a function - a job - somehow reclaims the power from all my anxieties and stresses from NOT keeping to the plot in my head for this particular little fairy tale.

It is not the purpose of my enterprise - whether it is my current business, or my prospective life as an author to change the human story. I am simply one of the billions of characters.

So in this current challenge - this dragon that I now face - looking into its eyes, what story do I see? What costume do I wear and which character do I now portray?

Facing this dragon is not a dilemma.
This is an opportunity.
This is not a problem.
This is just one more part to play.

Perhaps my greatest fear has caused me to walk up this very high mountain, glancing over the edge of a very deep jagged cliff face poised to jump but debating the safety issues. I don't wish to jump without a parachute, or a very large spongey mat below that will catch my fall and cushion the pain of falling and landing. I want a guarantee that this jump will not hurt. I want my identity of control to use as a parachute. I want my identity of control to forge me a guarantee.

Not once do I consider the exhileration of free falling through the air.
Not once do I consider the sense of achievement and freedom I will feel once I land.
Not once do I feel joy in simply playing a character who jumps.

I simply want to know that I will be 100% safe and that my jump and subsequent fall is text book perfect.

What am I truly afraid of here?

This is not a dilemma.
This is simply a choice.
Perhaps seeing that I HAVE this choice is the whole purpose?

So when you ask yourself, "why am I doing this?", ask similiar questions to take yourself on a journey through the questions and out the other side.

What may you discover?