We Dont Need Another Hero

If I ever wrote the chronicle of my life, I would struggle to paint an authentic portrait of it without resorting to some sort of filtering system. Doing this work, driven by Values and Identity, working in Transformation, dispelling mythologies and master creating, WHO you are, forms the cornerstone of every program. The hardest question to answer is always “Who are you?”

This is a question that I always believe I know the answer for until something happens and it evolves into an unrecognizable form.

My previous partner knew me better than anyone. (in my fantasy)He labeled me as an Earth Mother, a Goddess and a Control Freak who had a Childlike Exuberance, Zest for Life and a Thirst for Knowledge. He also lovingly considered me to be THE Ball Buster and he was absolutely correct. For me, he was THE one, my twin flame, my best friend and my soul mate. (chuckle - laughing at myself here)

Since that fateful breakup night, my strategy was to delete him from my life - cut him out as if he never existed. I was determined to break myself out of my addiction for him and subsequently this broke both our hearts. I thought I knew who I was. I thought I had everything under control.

Being without him and going cold turkey like that initiated quite a physical response. My adrenals went into survival mode as I became overwhelmed with a fear that without him I would die. I had never felt this way in previous relationships so this chilling dread presented me with quite a challenge.

However my life didn’t end. I didn’t die and I have been enjoying life without him ever since. Meeting so many gorgeous men and simply learning the art of BEING has been a nice experience for me this year. I replaced him in every area of my life and I became the steely warrior princess determined to control every fantasy and not lapse into infatuation ever again!!! (How many of us make this promise to ourselves - silly humans)

Control was managing life and everything was fine until a couple of months in when I felt threatened by the perception of an evil external perpetrator attacking my business. Once again my adrenals went into survival mode as I became overwhelmed with a terror that liquefied my spine into pools of jelly. Logically there was no reason for this meltdown yet I lived in unconscious horror for two weeks. The night before I was to face my fears, I gulped down my pride and called the man I had deleted.

As I unfolded my story, my relief of finally truly unburdening myself was matched only by his instant rally of condemnation for my perpetrator and his commitment to take up the battle by my side. It was while he poured over the legislation, made notes, fortifiing me with strategies and sharpening his sword, that I felt the familiar love between us again.

And then I saw the light bulb! I got it!

It was a battle that brought us together in the first place. We stood side by side in legal warfare and fought several adversaries, protected the weak and the innocent and saved the world that we created together. (geez the overblown fantasy or what) When each battle was won we continued to create external struggles to feed into this pattern. In turn the exhaustion of external combat fed and created internal conflict with each other. We stood side by side in some sort of Karmic crusade pattern which connected both of us in a relationship which couldn’t truly serve either of us in the long term yet which neither of us was willing to let go of for a very long time.

That’s quite an AH HA moment!

Hailing to Penthesilea the Amazon and Boadicea the Celtic warrior princess, I look back on my life and see a pattern of saving, fixing, changing and fighting on some mission or other to make life supposedly "better". I became an agent to improve business for musicians. I began Push the Earth to save the planet. I created software programs to legitimize an unregulated market. OMG - what a crazy perception I had! My ex partner is the ultimate campaigner for social justice and has rescued everyone in every area of his life as the master of HR to facilitation to mediation to resolution. He was my knight in shining armour who ALWAYS rescued me no matter what. Is it any wonder that I would consider him to be the ONE?

And here I was, nine single months later, and he was prepared to stand beside me and fight for and with me all over again.

Yet I no longer felt the need to engage in warfare. I couldn’t yell “Charge” and take up a sword with him as I no longer felt any sort of charge FOR him or for another battle. There was nothing there but pure love and appreciation for this beautiful man. He would continue to wield Joan of Arc’s sword however my path lay elsewhere.

Sure - I could continue to see the benefits in having him in my life, collapse my judgments, see the new form of what I think is missing however without the identification of the mythological patterns that drive our values and voids and flow underneath the depths of these waters, we could both so easily perpetuate the cycle of our karmic relationship indefinitely.

I realise that yes I love and appreciate him yet know in my heart that he is no longer the ONE - I am.

In every relationship there is always a choice to stay firmly entrenched in the mythology of identity that we create together or the early release and parole of who we THINK we are and the creation of who we CHOOSE to be.

The warrior princess and the knight in his armour are still rather irresistible to me. I love and appreciate what a beautiful team they made and value the many victories they created together.

However I'm also happy to play another character just to see how THAT story ends.